Journey of Hope

I'm on a journey at the moment. A painful, heart wrenching, soul searching journey. Each day is a new discovery of emotions ... some I don't want to feel. Others come and go like the breeze and I wish they would stay a bit longer. I have given myself permission to feel, simply feel. It's strange, isn't it that we need to give ourselves permission. One thing clear about this journey ... God is with me. You know this "peace that passes all understanding" scripture we quote all the time? 

It's so very true.

His peace wraps around me like a soft, warm blanket. 

My children feel this peace as well. They know that God is with us and have both turned to Him instead of away from Him. As a mom, this is a comfort as I watch them grieve and turn to our only Hope ... Our only Strength ... Our only Peace. 

“The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds feet and will make me to walk {not to stand still in terror, but to walk} and make {spiritual} progress upon high places {of trouble, suffering, or responsibility}!” Habakkuk 3:19

In every situation, He is our only hope. No matter what.

The more we depend upon Him, the more He can show us how strong He is through us. 

The more we lean upon Him, our eyes open to the fact that His is our rock.

So, I find myself on a journey, not a destination. I don't intend to stay put in the difficulty, I intend to walk through in freedom, in joy, in victory. 

I was having a talk with my daughter this morning and sharing with her this scripture ... 

"I will go before you and make the crooked places straight ... "

Isaiah 45:2

That's what He does. The Lord goes before us and smooths things out and makes the crooked places straight. As I was sharing, she smiled and told me she was reading yesterday and came upon that very same scripture. Blissful sigh, don't you just love when that happens! God confirms His word and teaches our children who He is! 

Who's your hero?

One of the things I love about home assignment years is watching my kids try some things that are totally new to them... and then seeing how they grow through those new experiences.

Choir/Drama Tour, both a learning and a ministry opportunity for students attending the Baptist academy they attend while living in the States, is one of them. Tonight, the tour opened with the first performance, at our home...or sending... or commissioning church. Tour consists of the school's choir and drama class collaborating for a performance - and traveling around the State over the course of three days to perform eight or nine times in different Christian schools.

My girls, although part of the drama class, do not have parts or stage roles in the drama. They do sing in the choir, though, and so they will be gone the first half of this week, on tour!

The play that is being performed this year is based off of the lives of John and Betty Stamm. The Stamms were a young missionary couple who gave the ultimate sacrifice while serving in China with China Inland Mission.

Are you familiar with their story?

I wasn't - until some years ago one of my son's math teachers at the international school for expats and missionary kids where my children attend while we are overseas, with the last name of Stamm, mentioned that he was a part of THAT Stamm family.

The Stamms' story is tragic; yet it also inspires. And until just few years ago, it was unknown to me. Their story did motivate many to missions service and continues (if the response at church tonight was any indication) to encourage others to selfless service.

Looking at the past, remembering historical examples of ministry, service, passion for the Lord, bravery, devotion and sacrifice? Sometimes I find this a good way to re-stoke the wholehearted commitment to the call God placed in my heart years ago. It encourages me to persevere and to refocus my attention and intentions. But then again, so can looking all around me, at the amazing people God has placed right beside me and with whom I'm working and ministering. Or I consider the ministries of amazing people scattered all over the globe, right now.

What about you? Who is your missionary hero... or heroes?

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Can you please share about someone... historical or present day... that inspires you? A flesh and blood someone whose story as a Jesus-follower motivates you to hold fast to hope and to continue pursuit of that purpose for which you are serving?

When The Brook Is Dry

We have so many expectations when we set out to serve God on the mission field. We can’t wait to find His blessings along the way, and we expect great growth and service for Him. But what happens when we are met with pain along the way? A cancer diagnosis? A miscarriage? A falling out with a teammate? Or the death of a family member or key person in our ministry? What happens when instead of blessing, we encounter tragedy?

We go into a tailspin and the questions begin to fire off in our minds…God, why? How? What are you doing? Don’t you know how hard it is here…do you even care? How could you allow this? Where are you?

We stop in our tracks and we are devastated. We expected trouble learning the language, and that maybe our kids would struggle. We knew that bearing fruit in our ministry could take years, and we expected culture shock and homesickness…but this? God, this is just too much.

There was a great man of God that we can read about in I Kings 17 that probably had many of the same questions. That man was Elijah and he was called into a ridiculously hard ministry. He was a prophet of God sent to bring bad news to King Ahab and his “charming” wife Jezebel. He had to share the news that God would stop sending rain to Israel. Famine and thirst would fill the land. He was literally run out of town and forced to rely only on God in a true survival experience. He moved far from friends, family, and anything familiar into a little ravine. There he stayed and drank up the blessings of God in the form of meat delivered by ravens, and a little brook that ran through his ravine.

Then, tragedy struck. I Kings 17:7 tells us, “the brook dried up.” All support and blessing seemed to come to a grinding halt. The severe dry spell had finally reached Elijah’s little place of safety and he was left with a raging thirst and questions for God.

The truth is that God could have provided water for Elijah. God is God, couldn’t He have prevented this from happening? It seems almost cruel. Elijah gave up everything for God, and risked his life in ministry, and God allowed this to happen? Why does God do this? Why does He allow the pain and suffering into our lives and ministry when we have risked so much for Him? It seems so hard, and it hurts so much.

I first came across this passage during a time of great personal struggle on the mission field. I was battling health issues, grieving a loss, and my kids were really having a hard time in their school. It seemed unjust to me, it seemed cruel that God was allowing me to walk through so much pain. I felt a connection to Elijah, because I felt like my brook had dried up.

But Elijah moved on from that place. He had to…the brook was dry. He was in the desert and the brook was dry. What could he do but follow the next steps that God had for him? Ultimately Elijah had the opportunity to change the life of a starving widow and her son. God used Elijah to intervene. God did miraculous things, and God did not abandon Elijah. God provided for Elijah, and God provided for others through Elijah.

If the brook wasn’t dry, Elijah would have stayed in his comfort zone, hiding out while the world suffered around him. But God had bigger plans that included using Elijah’s suffering to move him forward to serve the world. I don’t understand why God lets our brooks run dry…but maybe He’s preparing us, calling us, or moving us on to other things…things that will change us and change the countries where we serve.  

Our lives as missionaries are dedicated to following God and helping others to follow Him too. The truth is that dedicating our lives to Him doesn’t mean that we will always have smooth sailing on free-flowing rivers. There is great blessing, but there is also great pain. I still struggle to understand why God allows the hard things, the painful things, and the deep suffering to come into our lives. But God is teaching me that trusting Him means trusting that He is still God, and that He is still good…even when the brook is dry. I hope that when you are in a dry place, you can know that too.

Help! My Man Is ALWAYS Around!

Just me and my man.  It's not been too many years since we were dating and I dreamed of spending all our days together, giggling while we worked and inspiring each other as we bounced ideas back and forth over dreamy looks and picnic lunches.  What could be better than that, right?  Um, yeah.  Twenty years later, we got that chance when we moved out of the country to conquer the world for Jesus.  And reality set in.

Since our home is the base of operations here, gone are the days of seeing him off to work with a kiss each morning, teaching the kids and running errands all day, then having his dinner ready when he returns in the evening.  Everything from mealtime to homeschooling to who goes out for groceries has changed, and everyone in the house has felt the heat from the adjustments.

Defining a new normal has been an unexpected challenge, exacerbated by the fact that there just isn't much support out there for wives like me. So when I saw this book coming out, I jumped at the chance to get my hands on it.  Even better, this one was a freebie offered to me by the publisher in exchange for my opinions.  Let's just say it was a welcome addition to my e-bookshelf.

OFFICIAL BOOK DESCRIPTION: What do you do when your husband calls and says he's lost his job? How do you handle a husband who has been diagnosed with Parkinson's and is now homebound? Will your routine ever get back to normal now that your loving husband who has been deployed for 12 months is now suddenly back at home? Regardless of the reason he's home, one fact is clear . . . he's home. Dear God, He's Home! is a practical, honest look at how women can deal with a spouse--regardless of the reason--who is forced to become a stay-at-home man.  (**Note: By clicking the title, you'll be directed to Amazon, where the e-book is currently $2.99.)

MY THOUGHTS:  Making the transition from what is considered a traditional family set-up--husband working outside the home, wife considering the house her domain--can be very stressful.  Not only has the author (Janet Thompson) dealt with the situation several times in her life, but she includes the stories of many others facing this change due to health complications, retirement, unemployment, a home office, or some other development.  I found that much of it applied to our situation, even though she didn't specifically include foreign missionaries on her list.  ;)

The book is divided into 14 chapters full of examples, practical advice, scriptures, a sample prayer, and journaling prompts--yet another reminder that I could benefit from journaling.  (Note to self:  Add personal journal to the to-do list.). Focus, Christie. Focus.  Okay.

Each chapter has several smaller sections packed with wisdom, short enough to do each as a daily devotion.  The big focus in on opening up communication so that both the husband and the wife understand the expectations each has.  Several tools are provided to facilitate coming together to shape these expectations into a workable reality.

Although the book is meant to be for the wife, there are parts that can be shared with your husband, such as the sanity tools at the end, and some of the personal stories are from the man's point of view.

The only complaint I might have is that I had a bit of a hard time keeping up with all the real-life examples.  There were so many, which is good for helping the reader connect to the book and realize she's not the first person to pass through this. But I began to confuse the stories and couples as the book progressed through snippets from these stories with each section.  It's possible that reading a print version of this book would have helped with this, but I had an ebook copy and can't speak as to how the layout affects the ease of reading.

I found the book very thorough, in that it dealt with the emotional, financial, spiritual, and physical aspects of this life change. I've definitely added it to my list of recommended resources for missionary wives coming on the field, and I think that going through it together before the big transition would maximize the benefits.

Is it possible I'm not the only one who struggled a bit with this change?  What advice would you give yourself if you could go back to just before the transition? 

The Lord will Fight for You

I am so thankful for all you.  Seriously, as much as I love my friends back in the States and can share some of this crazy international life with them, you people get it.  You live it, the day in and day out of this living in two worlds, feeling all the emotion that goes with it.

I've been at another low spot.  Some of it is simply being the mother of three kids under 6.  Motherhood is hard, no matter what time or place you live.  But it's compounded by living in a place where we don't have family, where the language, food, culture, transportation, tacka tacka tacka (blah blah blah in Spanish.  Yeah, there is a translation for blah blah blah!) are all different.

The night before Easter was bad folks.  Like as in I told my husband I was this close to driving to the airport and getting on a plane bad.  Some of it was sleep deprivation, our youngest at almost 10 months old still isn't sleeping through the night.  Some of it hormones, but a lot of it was real weariness.

Things looked better in the morning (sorta) and off we went to church.  That morning our pastor talked about the Resurrection and the part that hit me like a ton of bricks was when he said, "Mary Magdalen didn't realize Jesus was standing right behind her.  She was too worked up about the fact that his body was gone.  And maybe that's you.  God is right there next to you, you may not see Him, but He is."  Hummmm.

The next day I talked with a friend who is on her way to Spain.  She told me something similar, "Liz, God is fighting for you.  You may not feel it, but He is."  Hummmm.

Later that day, this verse popped into my head.

 credit: Sweet Blessings

To put this verse in context, this is what Moses told the Hebrews when Pharaoh's army was barreling down on them after they left Egypt.  I love how real the Bible words it all.  Here it is, from Exodus 14:

"They said to Moses, “Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt? ¹² Is not this what we said to you in Egypt: ‘Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians’? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness.” 

Ha!! I love the part, "Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you brought us out here to DIE?!"  Mooosseessssss!!"  Yeah, I can just imagine the whining  and weeping and gnashing of teeth.  And terror, really, pure terror of the entire Egyptian army coming after them.

And this is Moses' response:

 ¹³ And Moses said to the people, “Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. ¹⁴ The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

Man.  So the story goes on and you know how God parted the Red Sea, allowing all the Hebrews through and then the Egyptians went down into the path between the waters.  At this point the Bible says God " brought the army of the Egyptians into confusion."  Their wheels got all wonky, they couldn't drive their chariots correctly, all sorts of crazy things.  And get this!! This is what the Egyptians said:

“Let us flee from before Israel, for the Lord fights for them against the Egyptians.”

Yep, the Egyptians even saw it.  The Lord was fighting for the Hebrews.  Wow.

Ok, so I know I am not one of the Hebrews, but God is fighting for His kids.   So God was working this all out in me, and last Wednesday we got an email from a supporter.  They asked how things were and if my parents had been able to visit yet.  They haven't, and because of money, we really didn't know when they were going to come.  I have a brother in college right now, and a sister in high school, and well, money is just tight.  But these supporters emailed back and said, "We want to provide two tickets for your parents to come visit, sometime at the end of April or beginning of May."

Ummm, WHAT?!  The Lord is fighting for us.  We only need to be still.  We had been praying about this for so long, our middle son has been struggling with missing these particular grandparents terribly, and we had no idea how this was going to happen.  In fact, my mom had been praying that they could come visit by June.  How's that for a specific answer?

So, in just about 17 days, both my parents are coming.  My dad can stay for 9 days, and my mom will stay 18 in total!  My littlest sister will stay with my other sister and her husband  and well, God has worked all the details out, He's been fighting for me, even though I haven't felt it because I was too worked up about the fact that things were so hard.  I am grateful He is and absolutely over the moon about the fact my parents will be here so soon!

What area do you need the Lord to fight for you?  How can we pray for you?

An "infamous" word - at least for me

It's a classic end-of-movie scene - full of drama, suspense, loss of hope, tears

and then the happy ending where those tears metamorphosis

into drops winding rivers of joy down smiling cheeks...

the REENTRY of the Apollo 13 space crew!

It resonates with me for more reasons than just the typical movie stuff. I was nearly 19 months old and a recently-become big sister, so I don't actually remember it, but, on April 17, 1970, it really happened...

...Apollo 13, after a traumatic space voyage, 

successfully reentered Earth's atmosphere!

I can only imagine what it might have been like for any and all directly involved with that space mission:

• blasting away (or watching those you care about blast away) from Earth not really having any idea if they'll survive the initial blast much less the trip and the return;
• having something go drastically wrong that impacts your continued trip and your possible return;
• having to "scramble" to put pieces back together and come up with some sort of plan for how to continue;
• continuing to function in situations that are physically difficult and challenging; and
• feeling so far away, at the mercy of circumstances beyond your control... and wondering how you'll ever get back.

Yes, I know it is a stretch to say that Apollo 13 parallels in any real way our experience this past term - but the fact remains that for those astronauts so badly wanting to come home, rest, recover and just be safe, the most dangerous part of that journey might have been their reentry. Reentry refers to those long moments of blackout, as the intense heat caused by traveling through the upper levels of the Earth's atmosphere caused massive particle ionization all around the Command Module. There was radio silence... for longer than expected... and the fear that that silence might never be broken.

It did, however.

After six (instead of the expected 3-4) minutes, parachutes appeared and a short time later, the astronauts were safely aboard the recovery ship, USS Iwo Jima.

Everyone smiles and cheers!

I identify with those astronauts, at least as I imagine they might have felt. I feel many of those same things and think many of those same thoughts, although admittedly on a much milder scale. (I don't want to be overly dramatic - I've got 2 teen/1 tween girls who make more than enough drama for our family.)

We are down to a countdown of single digit weeks remaining. There are so many potential potholes and pitfalls on the road before us. So much emotional and intellectual turbulence rumbles around between now and that moment when we blast off to begin reentry, not to mention the pure physical exhaustion that infiltrates packing up your home, saying so many goodbyes, and living in the relentless 110-120'F heat. Tempers boil and patience "ionizes" causing communication blackouts - within our nuclear family here as well as friends and family over there who are helping us make all the numerous and necessary arrangements.

Finishing and leaving well... checking off those tangible and intangible lists, completing what can be done, transitioning what needs to be carried on and continued by others, saying those goodbyes and having closure, all while maintaining a testimony that points to God, His goodness and our overwhelmed thankfulness for all that He has done... feels like a mad, oft' disorganized scramble.

Traveling with a family our size... all of the paperwork involved - residence permits, visas, passports, plane tickets, car and hotel reservations - sigh. This time, we are mixing a stop in another country for some family vacation time into the batch. It's delightful fun to anticipate, as well as lots of joy and headache taking care of all that planning and arranging. This will, however, allow us some time for adjusting so that we don't step on a plane here and less than 48 hours later step off the plane there, still grieving leaving but expected to be overwhelmed with joy at greeting. Both sentiments are valid and true and can exist all at once, but it is hard on the heart: all that wringing, twisting, squeezing, ripping and stitching back together all at once. There were some advantages to the slow boat mode of travel for missionaries of the last century.

We've changed (photos of our kids point out that undeniable reality). We look different: older, a bit more ragged and weary, clothes that looked so nice when we packed them in Niger will suddenly feel embarrassing to wear out in public - and all of those external and visible pieces simply hint at changes that have happened on the inside. Our friends and family will have changed as well, and we won't be quite sure how neatly and cleanly all the pieces of those relationship puzzles will (or if) snap together again. Our culture and world will have moved on, yet once again. My kids think carrying a cell phone is anathema... I wonder if... or maybe how quickly is more accurate... that will change - and what their friends and peers will see when they look at them. What will my friends and peers see when they look at me? Familiar church faces will be gone, replaced by unfamiliar ones who have no clue who we were. Yet we still try to act as though everything is the same and that that church is still our family.

We will have lived without things many take for granted. Buzzing through a drive through for a cup of fancy coffee? Well, it has been at least three years. Being told we must run an AC in a house when the temperature outside is cooler than we've felt it in our house for several months will be hard to reconcile in our minds. It will seem like poor stewardship and a total waste of money when opening the windows would make the place more delightfully comfortable for us. Don't be surprised if we'd say something like, "For heaven's sake, please just cut the moldy section off the cheese or the potato!" We won't say the rest, but will be thinking, "The rest is still usable. Don't throw the whole thing away because you don't want to be bothered or because you think it is gross!" We don't mean to be judgmental or seem overly pious and we are aware that we have our own huge blind spots where we waste and do not steward God's provisions well - but when you've just come from a world where people dig through your garbage to salvage chicken bones and suck out the marrow and you feel guilty about that, deliberate waste that we do recognize carries a heavy weight of culpability. 

We will be tempted to tell our stories, even though we see our listeners eyes glaze over after 4-5 minutes because they really can't relate, even if they want to... are really trying to be interested. We aren't intentionally hoping to bore you to tears. We just want to share the real, deep down pieces of ourselves and the things that God has used to change us. We want you to do the same, but realize we'll sometimes have that same struggle with your stories. In that scene from Apollo 13, the welcome home for those astronauts was phenomenal. A whole country applauded, cried for joy and wanted to hear their stories. Twenty-five years later, they are still making huge motion pictures about what those men lived. What if we come back, people hug and cry and say hi... but then it is all over, no one cares and we are supposed to somehow fit our round selves back into the square holes we left?

Then, there's the biggest fear of all. 

What if we REENTER life in our home country, find ourselves smothered by the heavy atmosphere of our home culture and lose the clear vision we had while working in that other world, and forget what we've seen, what we've lived, who we've known, what God's done?

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What scares you 

when you REENTER your home country for any period of time? 

Why?

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Other posts in this series of preparing to leave the field:

In which I'm charged by a hippo...
Jumping the Gun? Or Procrastination?
Turning over that TCK leaf
Three months AND three days AND counting...
Going Fishing...

Provision Through Trial

During the past couple of months, our family has experienced a long list of trials.  During this time of hardship and prayer I have been pondering the nature of the Lord’s provision.  I praise God that one of His names is Jehova -Jireh, or The Lord Who Provides.  We know just by that name but also from countless places in scripture as well that it is in His very nature to provide lovingly for His children.

I have realized, though, that so often my definition of “provision” cannot possibly be the definition that the Lord had in mind when He proclaims Himself to be the Lord of provision.  My mind wants to believe that provision means me or those that I love receiving all that we need to not be in pain, to not be uncomfortable, to not be hurt, to not be lonely or sick or unhappy or in need… When trials come, so often I pray that the Lord will provide a way for the hardships to disappear. My heart and mind can tend to equate provision with resolution and relief.

This finds its way into my life as a missionary too. When my circumstances aren't what I feel that I need in order to thrive on the field, I pray for the Lord’s provision. I think I should pray these prayers, because very often God does delight in meeting these felt needs, but do I look upon silence or “no” to these prayers as a lack of provision? How long do I wait for provision in the nature of what I was envisioning, and when do I accept that His perfect provision might look different than what I had hoped or reasoned to be necessary? 

We all know very well that trials and suffering are a part of the Lord’s will for the life of the believer, but what has hit me in a new way recently is how trials and suffering are not only part of His will, eventually crafted into good, but they are also part of His perfect and timely provision that we each pray and trust Him for. They are provision for our growth and good, and provide opportunities for His glory.

I went through a time of heavy loneliness last Fall, and on the day of my daughter’s birthday it seemed that 3 mom friends were going to accompany their children to the party. I was starved for fellowship and so greatly looking forward to spending time with them. I had praised God for His loving provision for my loneliness in the promise of their company. Then, on the day of the party, it turned out that none of them came. One didn’t even let me know in advance. I was heartbroken in that moment because I truly felt that I was in desperate need of fellowship. My heart was full of sadness and I “needed” a girlfriend to talk to.  I cried and prayed to the Lord and He answered me so lovingly during that time. He showed me that not allowing my friends to come that night was His perfect provision for me and the perfect answer to my prayers. I thought I needed Him to provide for my loneliness, and I did, but looking back, I see that He needed to provide opportunity for me to cling to Him and nothing else. I grew closer to the Lord during that time. He provided fellowship and intimacy with Him. He knew my true need and He provided abundantly for it. 

How about you? Have you experienced or are you experiencing anything recently where you’ve sought the Lord’s provision but found His response or seeming lack thereof confusing? Do you have any encouraging stories to share with us about seeing how a perceived lack of provision actually was the Lord’s perfect provision for you?