Friday, March 22, 2013

Femininity on the Field

This may seem like a very superficial topic, but can I tell you a secret, between us girls?  Sometimes I don’t feel very feminine, very girlie.  Mind you, I’ve never been a fru-fru girl.  While others were dreaming of being cheerleaders or prom queen, I was fishing or camping. (Oops, did I just show my redneck side?)

But as a grown woman, especially a married grown woman, I have found myself approaching this differently, wanting the way I look and behave to reflect my femininity.  I’d pretty much worked out what that meant to me personally in rural South Carolina, but now that we live in Latin America, there are definite differences on what a woman is expected to look like.   So what’s a girl to do?

My Post
For the visual learners among us, you can check out my polyvore.com
rendition of this post and skip a few paragraphs.  ;)
The problem for me starts with the shoes.  I have particularly high arches, so even if I wanted to wear those crazy high heels, I’d probably get about 3 steps before doubling over in foot spasms and tripping on the curb.  Nothing graceful about that!

Women don’t leave the house here without being totally “done,” either.  Full make-up, including vibrant eye shadow and lip colors and often some really long, fake, glittery lashes.  Nails long and painted, with swirly designs or little drawings on each one.  Hair is always coiffed and usually dons some sort of feather or barrette or flower, clipped just so.  The heat and humidity here leave my natural curls making their own way, so any attempt to stick a flower in it would look more like a wild weed in a briar patch.

Here in the land of machista men and oversexualized women, it’s nothing to see pornographic images plastered in public places, on commercials, or as part of TV shows.   You can imagine what that does to fashion…plunging necklines, painted-on pants, tiny skirts.  Nah, that’s not me.

I am apt to pull my hair up in a pony-tail or wear a ball cap when working in the community with kids, with or without my minimal makeup.  I find myself most often wearing what has been called pajamas here (cotton or denim pants/shorts, t-shirts, tennis shoes, flat sandals) for reasons of comfort, heat (how DO they wear those tight pants in 110 degree weather?!), ease, or habit. 

I struggle with differences in the definition of modesty, with having to analyze everything I wear or say or do for what message it conveys to men, with what my girls are learning about what it means to be a woman.  And I notice that I lose a certain bit of credibility with women, believers and nonbelievers alike, because I don’t “look the part.”

Sometimes I feel I’ve gotten sucked back into that high school drama of peer pressure and worrying about my image, but with real-world consequences this time.  Now, before you comment, don't hit me with "a genuine smile, a sweet spirit, the beauty of holiness."  I really do get all that.  But if we walk out of the house in nothing but a smile and the beauty of holiness, well, some heads really would turn!  

I know that we should assimilate as much as possible into our cultures, but I struggle with where to draw the line on this one.  I think of  those missionary women in cultures where they are expected to cover up more than they are used to or be more conservative in their behavior, and I wonder if they have to redefine that “look” that makes them feel pretty, too. 

Do you find that the way you look in the mirror on the field is different than how you look on furlough?  How do you reconcile or express your femininity within the culture where you live?   

25 comments:

  1. Oh Christie, this is a big one here in the Middle East, where, as the saying goes, "You CAN judge a book by it's cover." I find myself trying to balance the real "me" with an effort to care more for my appearance, which is so important to having a good testimony.

    I wrote on "Inner or Outer Beauty" after discovering I'd been wearing the same dress to weddings for 10 years!!! Here's the link if anyone wants to look:
    http://olivetreeingodshouse.blogspot.com/2011/10/inner-or-outer-beauty.html

    Thanks for your thought provoking post! I definitely "take more care of myself" now on the field.

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    1. Thanks for the link. I definitely wanna read that post! I am amazed at how many things fall into that "balance" category where it seems there's such a fine line. Wondering if I will ever figure that line out, or if it's a moving target!!

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  2. really, really good questions, Christie. i've gone through so many different phases of struggling with what to wear/how to dress over the past few years.
    1. i've almost always determined i didn't want to dress like a misso - you know the misso ladies that you could spot as a kid at church growing up from a mile off? so, particularly back home in the states, i was always conscious of how i dressed and what sort of message i was hoping to communicate by my clothes.
    2. here, i've struggled in so many ways. initially, the loud, wild, bright african prints are simply not me. i tend to prefer solids or subtle patterns in primary colors - fluorescent green dragonflies the size of my hand splashed across neon blue simply wasn't me (although my daughters HAVE loved it) - and that is one of the more sedate patterns.
    3. learning to wear a head wrap and wear one well has taken years. It is the one thing that I've done, though, on which my local friends continually comment - i was covering my head almost every time i was out until recent months and my work at the local mk school began to take up the majority of my time.
    4. i miss jeans and sweaters, being able to blow dry my hair on a regular basis without the heat of the dryer returning me to the sweaty mess i'd just showered to remediate, being able to exercise outside in public without attracting a crowd of spectators (or followers), and being able to completely blend in to the crowd for a few minutes of anonymity.
    5. although i'm by no stretch of the imagination the size/shape i'd like to be, i get continual comments from my local friends about how i need to gain weight. there is a lack of tact (according to my western cultural understanding) when speaking about another's personal appearance - somehow i always seem to fall short.
    6. i like to feel pretty and feminine - but i also like for clothes to be practical and for them to last for more than a few months. i've still not found that balance here.
    7. clothing is SUCH a cultural thing... my head should be covered, but off the shoulder or breasts falling out of the neckline or skirts so tight every curve and bump is still clearly notable under 2-3 layers of cotton is not even blinked at - even at church.

    all of that to say? i don't know. i try to dress in a way that compromises - where i feel feminine and attractive and appropriate, but i also still feel like me and while trying to embracing the standards of what is expected here. i don't feel i'm successful much more than 50% of the time, but i will keep trying. :-)

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    1. You hit on so many good points, Richelle! And you made me feel better, that at least I don't have the head cover to worry over. And #5, yep. Those comments I'd never say but hear all the time ("Look at you, fattie!" and such) definitely come into play. I guess I fret about it because I have such a fear of what you mentioned in #1. ;)

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    2. Here we also get lots of frank comments about our appearance. I do wish I had comments about needing to GAIN weight! Here you're expected to be pencil thin. But I'm sure any comments about weight can be a drag!

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    3. I guess I can be thankful for that! I get all kinds of "you look so nice and fat" from the babushki when I'm pregnant and soon after. It usually makes me cry, because that's when I already feel like a while. But I should be glad that I don't have pressure to be thin. Although, all younger Ukrainian/Russian women are perfectly thin. It's mostly just the older generation who worries about us being fatter.

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    4. "How fat you are!" is a compliment here, but I still wince when someone says it. I've been told it translates to "I'm glad to see you're doing well enough to buy a lot of food." I have noticed that the "fluffier" girls don't have any qualms about wearing the same tight, revealing clothes as the rail-thin gals, so I guess that's one positive here... size really doesn't matter. Phyllis, I'm sure I'd be in tears, too. :)

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  3. I've heard someone say that no one moves to Russia without becoming more concerned about the way he or she dresses. It's not nearly as extreme as my mental image of South America, but Russians and Ukrainians look nice. I have always been someone who just doesn't really care about appearance, but I have learned to make sure that I look pulled together before going out. :-)

    I know what you mean about it being a hard balance to figure out!

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    1. We actually have a very large population of 2nd and 3rd generation Ukranian immigrants in our town, so I get you, Phyllis! They tend to look like supermodels! Not at all what I had expected I'd be encountering when I imagined the mission field. ;)

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  4. Living in Honduras, I totally understand where you are coming from, Christie! I'm a flip-flop, capri, t-shirt, little make-up, never-do-my-hair kind of gal living in a culture that highly values being overly done up! Thank you so much for your transparent post - I have struggled with the exact same things of how to feel comfortable and like myself while trying to fit into the culture just a little more - and on top of all that staying modest! It doesn't necessarily answer any of the questions on how to balance all of that, but it is good to know that I am not along in this struggle.

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    1. Thanks for chiming in, Jennifer. It does help to know we aren't the only ones in the struggle. Sometimes I feel so superficial and "ungodly" to even think about those things, but it's part of life.

      A local guy told me the other day, "We recognize you yankees from way off by those pants you ALL wear with so many pockets on them," in response to my khaki capris. Oh, well... I guess it could be worse!

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  5. Yes!! Thank you! Here in Costa Rica before you leave the hospital after you have a baby, they do your hair and makeup because you can't possibly leave without that! I don't wear much make up, and high heels are a total no in my book! But I have embraced what I call Tica Earrings! Big danglying fun earrings. At least I can do that right? And I do try to look more pulled together, even if I still do wear birkenstocks and not stilettos. I found that wear a skirt helps, because it's 1. Cooler than pants 2. Looks dressy 3. Can be super comfy and 4. takes the place of shorts which are pretty much a no here for women.

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    1. Before you leave the hospital? Wow!! I have been wearing skirts some, too, which I don't think I'd have done much in the states. I end up using keds, though, since I can't pull off a skirt and my big old tennis shoes! One day I may give Birkenstocks a try, but I don't EVER see me sportin' the heels, either! Thanks for joining in, Liz!

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    2. Liz, I had that makeover at Clinica Biblica! It was a... really strange experience!

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    3. hahaha!! Sarah, that's great!! I didn't have Quinn here, but friends of several of our friends in language school had their babies here...so funny!

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  6. Yes! I came to East Africa with simple tops, breezy skirts and sandals... that's what you wear in Africa, right? And totally felt like "that missionary" at church :( So, when we had to go back to the states for a wedding I found my black pumps, my fuschia trench coat, and more tailored dress trousers! Ugandans are so "pressed and dressed"! Polished shoes are a big deal here. And ironed clothes. Most women at church wear pumps, blazers, nice dresses. I wear a skirt and people comment how "smart" I look :) Guess I need to buy some more dressy clothes when I go on furlough in May! I actually love to dress nicely, so it's been a happy thing for me!

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    1. Sometimes I wonder how people manage to dress the way they do in spite of the climate or the dust or a million other factors. Maybe a fashion show should be part of pre-mission training, using real people and clothes (or at least pictures made into a powerpoint) from where we'll be serving. :)

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  7. This blog has been an inspiration to me as I try to get ready for HMA fashion :) http://outfitposts.blogspot.com/

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  8. I loved reading this, because I have this conversation in my head every day! As a missionary in El Salvador I totally get this! We are in the city, and everyone is so into fashion. I can't even pick my kids up from school without seeing the other moms in high heels and dresses. I once asked one of my Latina friends why everyone dresses so "done" all the time and she said that is a way to show respect for others...that you made an effort to put your best face forward. So my typical "American" gear of flip-flops and shorts could very well be offensive. I do my best to look nice, put on some make-up, and try to look as "done" as I can. I feel the pressure to constantly go back and forth between worlds...if I am in the community where we work, or cleaning out the storage room in the office I will literally have to change clothes before taking my kids to a playdate so that I look presentable. Sometimes it's hard to find modest (and breathable) clothes in the stores here, but I have managed to adapt. I do think a lot about the messages my daughter is getting growing up here, so I try to affirm inner qualities, and talk about appropriate ways to dress. It is always a line to walk...but it's encouraging to know I'm not the only gringa dealing with it!

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    1. EXACTLY!!! When we are out in very rural barrios, I try to dress like those I'll be hanging out with. I've been told by those who live there and nationals that work with us that this is a good practice, but it sure doesn't fly when I get back in "town". I think I was ruined by spending the first couple years in Paraguay way out in the boonies, and now trying to adapt to the change of living in town. I've also been told that the same way I dressed to NOT offend those in the rural areas can be interpreted as offensive in the more urban spots, showing disrespect. But who can buy a whole new wardrobe, or learn how to wear it?! ;) We try to talk a lot about it with our daughters, too, who have inherited more of their mom's "comfort over fashion" attitude but still struggle with fitting in clothes-wise. Thankfully, they get a lot of grace because they get thrown into the "not quite a woman" category.

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  9. This is such a fun conversation!! And I love that we can support each other too! Here in Russia, everyone looks nice, but for the most part it thankfully hasn't been too stressful, but rather kind of motivating! I will never be that mom pushing the baby stroller in stiletto heels and a short, tight, black skirt(a common sight) but I take a bit more time putting myself together when going out in public. I never am at the height of fashion here, but I think I've learned to dress appropriately over the years. It is nice being a mom because there seems to be less pressure to dress in the super-tight and immodest stuff, even outside of the Christian community. The funny part for me is going back to my home town of Seattle that was recently voted the most casual city in the US. We usually take Summer furloughs and I hate shorts (I'm tall, so they always look ridiculous on me and I have trouble finding longer styles, especially here), so I live in skirts in the summer, and that is definitely not the norm where I am from!

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    1. I'm glad you get a break for being a mom. I can just imagine those stilettos behind the stroller!! I spent the night in the hospital once with a brand-new mom, and I was shocked that within an hour or so of giving birth, these women were wheeled into the shared room where each made her own bed, put on a girdle, and then stepped into jeans. I asked if the girdle wasn't uncomfortable. "Sure, but if we want to be thin again, we have to use it. Otherwise our belly will always be this size." Maybe that's why I can't wear the tight stuff to this day!! ;) Yep, that'll be my excuse.

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    2. i've been laughing at all the stiletto comments. i don't mind wearing high heels when i dress up(my mom is a short lady and she had me start wearing heels before i reached junior high), but certainly not to trudge around on the sandy roads, etc., here like many of my nigerien friends. the thing that really kills me about dress shoes here, however, is not the heel. they tend to be narrow and "the mode" currently is the long narrow toe that almost reminds me of genie shoes (all it needs is the curl at the tip). as i said, i can navigate the heels when i need to, but the tip of the shoe an extra 3 inches beyond the end of my foot is a sure recipe for disaster.

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    3. Oh, yeah, those sound quite dangerous! I haven't seen that style yet, but we're all over the giant platform stuff, mostly looking like they're made of cork. Even ones that look like a sandal or flip-flop on stilts. I doubt those platforms will ever push out the stilletos here, though. I envy that your mom taught you to wear them early. By the way, we used to give a ride to a young lady who walked to town each day down a few kilometers of uneven dirt roads before getting to the cobblestone part, and ALWAYS in stilettos. I asked her once if she wasn't tempted to wear tennis shoes at least until she reached asphalt, but she said even her house shoes had to have a heel, that at 23 years old, her feet hurt too much if she wasn't wearing the giant heels. Ouch.

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  10. I have enjoyed reading all of these comments; this is a fun topic! It sounds like a common theme is being more dressy than the States. I am also in a Latin country and could totally relate to everything you wrote about!

    I am pretty much a girly girl and enjoy looking feminine, but I am a pretty low-maintenance girly girl (don't wear much make-up, no mascara, never have had a pedicure or colored my hair, etc.), so in that way, I'm pretty different from most women here. I delivered our daughter here in Costa Rica and had the hospital makeover that someone else wrote about. It was surreal... I was waiting for our pediatrician to come when a hairstylist and make-up girl walked in my room with all sorts of equipment. They flat-ironed my hair (my first time ever for that!) and put more make-up on me than I wore for my wedding. The photos of me all made up in a hospital gown are pretty ridiculous; I couldn't wait to wash it all off! I'll definitely be skipping that if I have another baby here!!

    I wear mostly skirts and nice sandals/wedges here because that is what I'm most comfortable in and they are cooler in our very hot weather. They also help me look more dressed up while being modest (i.e. without the plunging necklines, skin tight pants and stiletto heels that are common here).

    Something that has been funny for me to navigate is how to deal with gifts given by friends here. I've received several very sparkly HUGE rings, neon-colored, sparkly eye shadow and very bright, sparkly (everything is better sparkly)hair accessories. I haven't been able to bring myself to wear them (I can't do the eye-shadow for sure!), but I wonder if my friends feel bad to never see me wearing them. Anyone have any experience/thoughts on that???

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