Benefits of Living in a Pressure Cooker

I've been whining again.  Yes, again.  We are a few days from a trip to the U.S. (first one in three years) where we'll travel like crazy and visit as many churches and friends and family as we can pack into these short two months.  This is a catch-all trip, to touch base and reconnect but also to raise funds for opening a youth center in the city where we live.  I should be giddy, and I am quite excited, but I'm finding a whole lot of ways to whine.

Why do we only get one suitcase this time?  How will I bring back homeschooling books and underwear and socks and supplies for two or three more years in ONE suitcase?  Are we ever going to get everything packed up and ready to roll?  Why can't I settle on some perfect "partnership" trinket to take back for those who've stuck with us?  How will we fit everyone in? Why can't we afford to take longer furloughs like the cool missionaries?  Can't you kids just get along and let me think straight?  

And I realize that my mouth is speaking from the abundance of my heart.

I have said a trillion times how uncomfortable it is to live in the pressure cooker here, where the goal is just survival at times.  To acutely feel the lack of extended family and friends and a support system to fall back on when the going gets rough.  But tonight as I listened to myself whine, I realized that life in the pressure cooker has its benefits.

In the US, I found it much easier to camouflage my flaws, those places inside that weren't quite lovely.  It was so easy to take on another responsibility at church and feel justified in my ugliness, or take a trip to the thrift store and fill my emptiness with a giant bag full of cheap but fashionable finds.  I could call up a girlfriend and "express my righteous indignation" to have her back me up in my position and then share what made her mad that day.  It was easy to hide what I didn't want to see.

Here, it seems what's inside is just gonna come out.  No way around it, it's coming out.  I remember reading a warning to that effect on some missionary-prep website way back when, and thinking how tough that would be for "certain other people" I know and happen to live with.  I was still living in Delusional World and sure that I was the person I had convinced everyone I was.

And for a long time on the field, I blamed my impatience in traffic or my frustration with my husband or my overwhelming urge to scream at those guys who insist on washing my windshield at stoplights and casing the contents of my front seat as they do, on being stressed to the breaking point.  I was sure that the offender just happened to be the straw that broke this camel's back.  Okay, maybe there is a bit of truth to that sometimes, but I'm coming to realize that I'm just not as adept at hiding.  The world is simpler here on the other side of the border.  So simple that what you see is what you get, without the candy-coating.  And I don't always like what I see.

I'm learning, still, that instead of taking my burdens to whomever might listen, I have to take them to the One who should have been my first choice all along.  That makes it sweeter to deal with the lack of an intimate friend or relative here.  

I'm learning, still, that instead of hiding behind my to-do list and accomplishments as the self-appointed Sister Do-It-All, I have to take a genuine look at my motivations and reactions.  That makes it a bit easier to swallow not having a church community that feels more like family here.

I'm learning, still, that instead of running for food or shopping or a movie or whatever my latest cure-all is, I have to dig in and let God refresh me, let Him inspire me, let Him heal me.  I'd like to tell you that makes it easier to live without Goodwill or Krispy Kreme, but I'm not there yet.

I do at least have a clearer picture of who I really am and who God really is, and I guess that's a start.

Do you know yourself better as a result of being a missionary?  Have you found that the ugly things you recognize within you are products of this lifestyle, or were they there all along and are only easier to see now?   Do you whine?

photo credit: mr.donb

Tuesday topic: Food stories

Alyssa said: I would love the hear stories about how different families adjusted to different foods, especially with the children. What funny stories do you have about thinking you were buying one thing, but it was actually something different? About trying to find something like ketchup, or like peanut butter? We are new to our country of assignment and are in this phase now, so I'd love to hear other's stories.

(If you have a “Tuesday Topic” question, please email it to me at fylliska@gmail.com. Provide your blog address if you would like to be linked to, or specify if you would like to remain anonymous. Thanks!)

"When in Rome"

It inevitably happens every furlough. I find myself in totally common situations but realize that I have no idea what is the culturally correct thing to do! Over time and mostly without any thought, our family has learned to adopt some Russian cultural norms that cause all sorts of funny situations when we head back to the States. So, are we supposed to bus our own table at Starbucks? What about borrowing another kids' bike on the playground?... Did that mom really just give me the stink-eye for my child asking to take a ride? And how are my kids supposed to dress for birthday parties/church/the weather? We got invited to someone else's home for dinner...What should I bring? Maybe a bag of walnuts and a few apples? Would a salad be more appropriate?

Then there are things like how our family has adopted the custom of wearing "house clothes" at home and then changing into "outside clothes" when we leave home. To most Americans who would observe our family at home, we'd seem like lazy slobs who wear our jammies all day! In reality, there is just so much dust and yucky stuff outside that we prefer to not wear the same clothes indoors most of the time. Besides, pajamas are just way more comfortable, and in a culture where they aren't associated with laziness, why not?!

Here are some other Russian things that we've adopted:

-We love buckwheat, sour cream on everything, and cooking with lots of dill.
-I bathe my newborns using "bath herbs" and have treated various baby skin issues by washing with chamomile tea.
-I feel like my little girls are practically half-naked if I send them out of the house without at least a ponytail or some other hairdo (but my oldest loves having her hair down!).
-I now think it is weird (and kind of gross!) to go into a doctor's office in the US and to not have to wear plastic shoe covers

"Bahili!" These little blue shoe covers are a huge mark of the Russian culture. 

We can't even go into our pre-school without them!

So, my question for you is, what are some cultural norms that you've adopted from your host culture? Also, what are some situations that trip you up culturally when you go back to the US on furlough? Maybe we can help keep each other up on US cultural norms!

Kids on the Field: When your Kid Hates the Language

So, remember when I said you all need to think of this series as a conversation starter not as a "Liz knows oh so much about raising kids on the field?"  Yeah...this is a perfect post to keep that disclaimer in mind.

Ok, so if you haven't figured out yet, we have three boys.  One is our little professor, talked at a year (didn't walk until 17 months though!), he absorbs the world around him.  He was 4 when we left for language school and he did well with the all Spanish preschool program.

Our middle guy is our engineer.  This kid at a year was studying the baby gate to figure out how it worked and how he could get around it.  If I don't know where he is, most likely he's trying to construct a zipline between our mango trees.  He was 2 1/2 when we left for language school and struggled more with the all Spanish day care situation.

And then there is our baby, who I am pretty sure is say "Hiya" and "Hola" already at 13 months.

But our middle guy is the one who I am praying hard for these days in regards to the language.  He is just flat out frustrated and doesn't want to have anything to do with Spanish.  He is hating Sunday School right now because it's Spanish, he doesn't want to listen to Spanish music or TV and well, just pretty much shuts down.

So.  Help!!! We aren't trying to pressure him into it, but the kid does need to go to Sunday School.  And he needs to be able to function here because we live here and will for the foreseeable future.

So, how about you?  Have your kids gone through this?  What helped?  What didn't?  Thoughts on the issue of kids learning their host language?

Other posts in this series:
Babies
Cloth Diapers

Tuesday Topic: Six-month slump?

I'm back! And you sent me a few questions. Keep them coming!

Tamara asks: My family is six months in on the field. We have had numerous people in our community ask us for money. We have explained that we are here to help then with projects or programs to better their community but we will not be giving anyone money. Those same people have come back numerous times requesting money and explaining how poor they are. Everyone here is poor. It is a small village about about 1.5 hours from the capital city. We are now getting frustrated and our attitudes toward the ones that we serve are suffering. Is this what happens at the six month mark? It feels like the rose colored glasses have come off. If this is normal, please let me know and how do you change it. If not, does anyone have advice to help us change our attitudes?

(If you have a “Tuesday Topic” question, please email it to me at fylliska@gmail.com. Provide your blog address if you would like to be linked to, or specify if you would like to remain anonymous. Thanks!)

Yet more about Phyllis

I feel a little weird, writing even more about myself, but I figured this is one way to fit it in, as a continuation of the Meet the Missionary Moms series. (We might have a few more interviews stil coming, too.) A while back a few people in the comments here were curious about how we "do language" in our family. That is something I always like to hear about in other families, so I guess I can try to start a conversation on that here now.

I do have to say that this is probably the one area where we have taken more criticism for our choices than anything else. Would you have guessed that? That makes me a little wary of sharing. Although, I've probably heard it all now, and I'm not scared of you sweet ladies. But I don't want to make anyone else feel judged by the way I word things!

There are quite a few approaches to family language learning: one language at home, the other in public; OPOL (one parent one language); less focus on other languages; school for language learning, etc. In our family, when our first child was born, we spoke Russian to him, and that has continued until now. I don't remember a big powwow to decide that or anything. It just happened. Although, language was already very important to us, and we already knew that from lots of earlier discussion. My husband and I do speak English between the two of us. Russian is our main family language, though, by choice and by default, now that they--the little people--outnumber us adults.

Honestly, I expected our children to be more bi-lingual sooner. I have seen plenty of bi-lingual kids, and they're all supposed to be little sponges, right? Not always. So far, ours have all preferred to learn one language well, and then start branching out into the second language at about age 3. None of them have responded well at all to pressure. What has helped most in becoming bi-lingual, is time with other children. When our oldest two were ages 4 and 2, we spent two and a half months in the states, with a good bit of pressure to speak and almost all their interaction with adults. They left that visit not seeming to know any English. But immediately after that, we spent two and a half weeks with an American family (lots of children to play with!), and that got them speaking. Like I said, by age 3 they usually start to show interest in English. Then, when they get to school age, and I start using some English in our homeschooling, they really take off. Our oldest is 9 years old now, and he can carry on a conversation quite well.

People often ask about how our children can speak Russian so perfectly, when it is a second language for both my husband and me. (As in, "You make so many mistakes! Why don't they?" or "You have such a crazy accent...!" ) Mostly we've learned right along with them. For a while, when our oldest was a toddler, I often felt like I was just a step ahead of him. However, they really have not picked up our accents and mistakes. That was something I worried about at first, but it has never been an issue. Even though they have really mainly learned language from us, all the community interaction, audio books and reading must pay off.

This is getting long.  You also asked about homeschooling. I really don't do anything all that special there. I do use a lot of Russian books. We study Russian history, along with other history. Our math is British (MEP), so it has an international flavor; I explain the lessons in Russian but also try to make sure that they hear the terminology in English. That's about all.


So, did I answer your questions about how we "do language"? Do you have anything more you'd like to know? And what about you: what does language learning look like in your family?

Online Friends

Hello from Costa Rica!  I love thinking of women in different countries all over the world reading this blog and hopefully gaining encouragement from the thoughts posted by other missionary women!  I remember first finding Ashley's blog Missionary Moms when we were relatively new on the mission field.  Reading the posts there helped me so much, knowing that a lot of what I was experiencing and feeling must be normal, because there were other women around the world experiencing and feeling the same things!  And, I love that Phyllis started this blog last year to continue that encouragement and blessing to missionary moms. 

While I have absolutely loved reading the posts on both of these blogs, it took me a long time to actually start commenting or being very active in the community provided here.  As I began to interact more with the community here, I was so blessed to start to feel like I was really interacting with these women and becoming friends!  While I still very much prefer face to face, heart to heart talks over a good cup of tea (really, here in Costa Rica, that should be a cup of coffee), I am thankful for the opportunity to learn more of what missionary life is like for women in different settings and cultures.  I love getting to know you all! 

A couple of weeks ago, I had the blessing of meeting one of these friends face to face.  From this blog, I learned that another contributor, Liz, also lived in Costa Rica.  In fact, my husband and I had even been to the camp her husband works at!  As we began to interact with each other online, we realized that we also had gone to the same language school, that she knew some of my teammates, and that our kids were relatively the same ages.  After several months of writing each other back and forth, we finally got together in person!  She and her family graciously drove all the way from their cool home in the mountains of the province of Heredia to endure a day of heat in our little coffee town in the province of Alajuela.  We enjoyed a lunch together and our boys had a blast playing with Legos on our front porch.  I loved that she jumped right in working with me in the kitchen and sharing mommy hearts and our experiences raising kids here.  It was so fun to meet an online friend in real life!  We're looking forward to getting together again!

Liz and I meeting in person

As Liz and I were talking, we wondered if there other missionary women in Costa Rica reading this blog.  If so, we'd love to meet you!  Also, we wondered if there were other women in other countries that could maybe meet through this blog and meet each other in person.  How cool would it be if this blog brought together real life communities of friends in various countries?! 

So, in the comments, please - whoever is reading this (even if you don't usually comment!) - let us know your names and where you are serving, if that is ok to make known online.  Maybe we'll find some new friends!  Also, does anyone have a fun story of meeting an online friend in real life?