Being a parent of third-culture kids—missionary kids in particular—is a challenge at any stage. Being the mom of teen MK’s comes with its own special fun.
The changes that occur during adolescence can be quite unsettling. You remember those days, right? Insecurity, trying to fit in, wondering who you are, dealing with peer pressure. Hours in front of the mirror, indecision about what you'll wear, drama in all your social circles.
These problems are exponentially increased living in a culture where your teen is obviously "not from around here," and where cultural differences can make even simple stuff seem complicated.
How can we make this time of transition a bit smoother for
them?
Make home a safe
haven. Of course, this is our goal
as moms, no matter the ages of our children.
But when your teen’s self-esteem is being assaulted outside the walls of
your house, it’s crucial. Although
sarcasm and complaining may seem to be your child’s new love language, take the
high road. Jokes about frizzy hair and
clumsiness and cracking voices are probably best left unsaid. Don’t put up with bickering that often gets
ugly between siblings. Yeah, I
know. Easier said than done. But kids of all ages need to be able to let
their guard down around those who love them best.
Build self-esteem. Where we live, folks have no problem
pointing, staring, or calling names if someone is different. Having two tall daughters with pale skin and
blonde hair has led to more awkward public scenes than I care to remember. So more than ever, it’s important that they
feel safe talking to us about how that makes them feel, and that they feel
secure in who they are. Hopefully this
is something that’s been a part of your relationship before now, but it’s time
to step it up a notch. How?
Point out how much you admire her fashion sense, or how you
like the new way he’s styling his hair.
Accentuate the positive by focusing on your child’s God-given talents. For us, that means blocking out a chunk in
our home school schedule for one child to have time for drawing and painting,
as well as investing in a few supplies she needs for that. It means driving the other to music lessons
each week and figuring out how to get our hands on an instrument for
practicing. Those aren’t the most convenient changes to make, but the results
in self-esteem and stress relief are notable.
Be a good friend. Peer interaction usually blossoms at this
stage of development, and parents find themselves less involved in everyday
life. But what if there aren’t many friends
around, or safety is a factor? Step up
and take interest in their interests.
Download good music in her style, find a shared hobby, go on mini-dates
for ice cream or a walk in the park.
Despite the eye-rolling you might see when first suggesting this, teens
in any culture appreciate one-on-one time with Mom or Dad. During this time, try to put yourself more on
the level of a friend, rather than discuss the chore list or bringing grades up.
And if your teen does find a good, solid friend, facilitate
time together. As a mom here, I’m much
more comfortable knowing where my girls are, so we invite their friends over,
making our home youth-friendly—snacks, music, movies, space to goof off.
Keep God’s plan front
and center. We see pornography
splashed across billboards and on magazine covers at every corner. It’s the norm for public television, which is
being broadcast in practically every store we enter. The music being played at full blast in our
neighborhood and around town is full of lewd lyrics. And men of all ages are whistling, motioning,
and calling out to my girls. This isn’t
the time to go silent about sticky topics.
Find ways to converse naturally about whatever you’re facing in your particular
corner of the world. Provide examples of
a life lived well—solid movies, good books, clean music, positive role models, whatever you can to
combat the frequency of exposure to “the darker side”. And remind them every chance you get that they are unique creations with a Father who designed them just right.
What challenges do your kids face? How have you adapted your parenting methods to cope with this?
These are great suggestions, Christie. I particularly like what you say about engaging with your kids and being a friend. The greatest challenge my kids face is lack of time with peers: few TCK's in our city, and their Turkish friends are BUSY studying HARD in a very competitive educational system. So I make a lot of effort to spend time with them AND involve them in our ministry, to get them involved in why we're here.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you are on top of things! :) i think being aware of the situation just helps a ton. I like what you said about involving them in ministry, too. It's one of those many fine lines I have found, because sometimes I push them too much in that area. It's great to watch those gifts inside them mature and be put into use, though! And I have to admit that I am sometimes glad for the "lack of peers" problem, because I feel we have a closer relationship in this situation than we'd have in the states, where peers would be much more available. It would be nice to have a few MKs around, however. Wanna visit? ;)
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