The Enigma of Educating our TCKs

  

As a relatively large family (eight children spanning 13 years) that’s been on the mission field essentially since the turn of the century (15 years - long enough to be considered career), we’ve tried several different education options: homeschool, local language schools, private school, public school, online school… We’ve not yet used the boarding option at a boarding school (unless you count our university aged kiddos living in a dorm, but that’s still a whole different ballgame). And, in fact, when we first left for the field, I would have told anyone who asked that home school was the plan, but also that boarding school was the only option NOT on the table. 

Now?

I would tell you that any possible option that presents itself makes its way to the table as a topic of discussion…

People have asked us before about our education plan/philosophy, and I used to think I had it pretty well figured out – actually, mapped out – before our first reached third grade. A special educator with several years of experience in the classroom… a professional trained to look at the individual skills, abilities and needs of an individual student – and one who was fairly good at what I did… I figured those skills would naturally transfer to figuring out an exceptional and best educational plan for each one of my own children. Since I was the professional educator, my husband – although always an active contributor to the many conversations – essentially followed my lead regarding what was best, educationally, for our children, although there have been compromises. 

I’ve discovered that it HAS NOT come naturally – because my own desires and dreams for my children often interferes with… even disguises… what might actually be best for them… educationally, emotionally, physically, socially… spiritually. Those best choices that I could see easily for someone else’s child weren’t nearly so obvious when it came to my own.  Sometimes, best choices actually got in the way of good decisions. Sometimes, we make what appear to be best decisions – only to discover down the road aways that we didn’t have all of the facts or experience necessary to know, actually know, what we were deciding…

We’ve I’ve made so many mistakes. 

I’m thankful for God’s grace and merciful children. 

Key questions we’ve started asking when it comes to making those educational decisions:

1. What is available?
2. What is affordable?
3. What is advantageous? (Or… What is the absolute best for this one child?)
4. What is acceptable? (Or… What is a practical and adequate reality for our entire family?)
5. What is the actual child’s input?

The first two questions are obvious. If there is no English language day school option in country and your children are too young to go to an out-of-country boarding school, then homeschool (parent teaching or engaging a teacher) or online are probably the two primary possibilities - if English language schooling is a priority. And, of course, whatever option must paid for - often putting the private, international schools out of reach for many missionary families.The third question is an ideal – If not limited by anything, what would I choose for my child. The fourth question is more one of workability: Which choices are both doable and good - not just the individual child, but for our family as a whole. This last one is always a hard one for me, because my perfectionist side has a hard time settling for the good if there is a best alternative. Doing so is, in my mind, equivalent to failure. The final question has much to do with what the child wants – or thinks s/he needs.

These questions are not listed in a hard and fast order of priority – because priorities can change based on present realities. They also change based on the individual needs of each specific child.

Sometimes, it feels like we’re trapped in a high stakes poker game where we’re dealt a hand of cards, we try to read the nuances of the situation all around us and then make decisions that are educationally sound and profitable for our children. Sometimes we make the very best decision we can – only to watch as our child struggles, hurts, or worse… learning as more information comes to light that perhaps we didn’t actually make a very good choice – or that we need to make a change. 

There are so many “stories” I could tell – but there are two I think are particularly relevant.

While in W. Africa, we choose to enroll our children in a local, French language primary school. It felt like we got to have our cake and eat it too… to use a cliché! We met so many people outside the missionary community (the school was run by Baha’i missionaries). Our children were learning French and making local friends - outside of  church. The teachers and staff at the school worked very hard to meet the educational needs of our children and our children learned that the standard “American” perspective wasn’t necessarily the only way. It certainly was not the way the rest of the world saw things. 

They children grew from experiencing life as a visible minority where they didn’t have all of the prerequisite skills that typically give majority culture students an advantage. They learned independence, hard work, how to memorize, obedience without question and how to make friends with people who were drastically different from them. We were all home for lunch together every day – and for a rest time during the afternoon heat - before the children returned to school. Academically, we found that even though the educational system and priorities were different, our children were well taught and well prepared to eventually transition to an international, English language school as bilingual students. The only disadvantage was that our children were spread across three different school campuses in town.

Life was cruising along; we were following this educational plan for our family. Then our mission unexpectedly became insolvent. Resulting financial difficulties as well security challenges due to increasing terrorist activity in our region led us to make a radical change - several weeks after the beginning of a new school year. We moved our children into an English language, international mission school. 

I had to let go of my dream of genuinely bilingual children and being a part of that school community we had enjoyed for several years. I also had to accept that this was a decision that had nothing to do with an educational best choice, but a real life, real time choice of what was best for our family. Additionally, I was surprised to discover just how difficult this change was for our children who had to make the switch – suddenly, unexpectedly and mid-year. They immediately had to learn 1) a new school, 2) new classroom/teacher systems, 3) a new academic language, 4) to live day in and day out with those who had, before, only been weekend friends, 5) to walk through perceived injustices/prejudices as a result of the previous educational choices we’d made for our family, and 6) to be just like all of the other TCKs who filled their classes. Others of our children who'd already transitioned to the international school had made that transition. But, we’d taken a year of homeschooling to help each adjust to the radical differences.

What's the moral of the story? When you realize that a current educational situation is really not working, either because of a change, new information, or whatever – make the necessary changes. I shed many tears, crying for my lost vision of the future, but also with my kids as they dealt with their own losses and frustrations. I had to create time to be available and drop other obligations and commitments in my already full ministry schedule to emotionally and academically support them through the change. It was hard.

My second story is one that is taking place, literally, right now. We’ve transitioned to a new place of ministry. Those among our children who are not attending college back in the States are presently enrolled in a French language, private, evangelical school. It’s a great school. But it is already clear that it is not the best educational decision for at least one of our children, one for whom learning does not come easily, one who is an extreme extrovert - not being able to talk with friends is driving said child crazy. This child was already identified as having an articulation disorder, has an individualized education plan and was receiving speech and language services in English. For this one, languages do not come easily. Yet, because of immigration/visa requirements – our children must be actively engaged in French language education. 

Are there other avenues we could choose? Probably, but we aren’t familiar enough yet to know what those options might be. So we spend hours on homework every night. We memorize verb conjugations even though the children may not have any idea what said verb means and will not likely be using the conditional form of the verb any time in the near future. We reread and translate much of the work that was done during the day. It's like a second school day once home when what they really want is a break because they are exhausted. I easily perceive that exhaustion as “laziness.” A good friend recently reminded me of something I should know very well - as a language learner myself and as a teacher of English as a second language… Language learning is draining; learning content material in the new language is beyond grueling. Sometimes what looks like lazy is simple self-preservation from information overload. Once again, for this season – different ministry ideas I might have need to take a back seat to supporting my children as we walk through this season together and learn to thank God for His Presence when life (school) is unrelentingly hard.

The moral of this second story? Sometimes the cards we are dealt just don’t leave a particular child with any good hand, educationally. That isn’t necessarily a failure. It is a reality of life in a fallen, broken world. What may not turn out to be an academically profitable year might actually reap more real life skills and an opportunity to lean on the Lord in ways we just don’t when we don’t desperately need Him. But as parents, we can't leave our kids to just fend for themselves in the challenging seasons our life choices, our callings, have thrust upon them.

Do I believe God called me to this place, at this time, with this family? I absolutely do. He also gave me this family and called me to a responsibility to serve them. More important than making perfect educational decisions for each child each school year is a lifestyle lived, walking humbly with our God through those decisions (and others). It is climbing educational mountaintops together and holding close through the academic valleys, all the while ultimately recognizing His Sovereignty and His amazing grace in all circumstances. TCKs don't need to be coddled and protected from life's realities and hardships because their parents are following a lifestyle that denies them of much of what is valued and expected of parents in today's western/developed world. Life isn't all about our kids. But they are also not to be ignored or expected to fend for themselves. They need to be discipled in looking to God for strength and hope in the midst of our decisions.

Surprise! Tales of a Teen Daughter

My baby has just finished her high school career. Even before moving to South America over 6 years ago, she was homeschooled in what I felt like was a pretty solid plan. From her preschool years of learning red and blue while she colored at the table beside me or learning to count while we drove around town, I've always imagined her slightly-less-than-traditional schooling to lead her right into some lovely scholarships that would pave the way to a challenging yet rewarding degree, ushering her into a fulfilling and lucrative career. Yep, that toddler in the car seat had a shining educational path ahead of her.

Then she tells me she doesn't want to go. 

Wait a minute. I was envisioning missionary kid grants and homeschooler scholarships and CLEPping out of tons of classes. I saw her connecting with the peers she missed so much and getting back into American culture and laughing as she made her way across campus to her next exciting class, just after leaving some fun extracurricular activity like FCA or the Christian Students Club.

But she doesn't want to go.

This is a topic that's been coming up off and on for the past two years or so, as she went through the mental checklist of pros and cons for each of her options. We talked about going to a 4-year university where she'd live on campus versus starting at a community college close enough to live with her eager grandparents as she eased back into American culture. We talked about the five months that would pass between when she'd finish her school year and when the US school year would end, and how she could use that time to explore or intern or maybe even travel a little.  

But she doesn't want to go.

Don't get me wrong. I'm absolutely, totally thrilled beyond words that I won't be putting her on a plane to leave the nest already. But I had to process her decision much more than she did, I'm afraid. Her logic is solid. She isn't ready to leave our home and she's aware of that. She's looked into other options like studying at a university here, taking online classes, interning, or taking a gap year. The one thing she is sure of when considering those choices is that

...she doesn't want to go.

I had to do some serious soul-searching over my gut reaction, which bordered on panic. I had to remind myself that God has a plan for her that just might be different than the one I'd always imagined. I had to remind other people that she may not do what they (and we) always assumed she would do. I had to remind her that I support her while she figures out this thing called adult life, even if I'm standing here with my jaw on the floor and my brain spinning while I process what she's decided. I had to remind us all that this one decision doesn't put her in a certain box or define her future in the way society might say it does. 

And I'm embarrassed at what I came up with when I stopped to think through why I panicked like I did. You know those days when you wonder if you've done irreparable damage by raising kids on the field? This was one of those days. I was stuck deciding if her decision was fear-driven and she just needed me to push her out of the nest so she could learn to fly, or if she honestly needed more time inside our four walls to feel prepared enough for venturing away? 

I had to face up to how much of my reaction was from my own fears--Will she be able to survive financially? Did I not do a good enough job homeschooling her to equip her to feel ready for this step? What will people think of her? What will people think of me? 

The Lord really had to settle me down and talk me off the ledge. He brought to mind many faces, people I'd consider exemplary adults functioning just fine in the real adult world, who had less than normal beginnings and followed the road less traveled. He took me to the Psalms and reminded me that He knew her before I did, that He planned her personality and her giftings before He placed her in our family--a family He knew would live overseas and not exactly be mothered by June Cleaver. 

In the end, I have to admire my baby girl for making this decision on her own, feeling pressure to go in other directions but following her heart. I don't know what God has planned for her, but I trust her future to the One who loaned her to me in the first place.

Had any surprises in your world lately?  How did you handle them?

IMAGE SOURCE: openhandweb.org

Kids and Transition

Let's talk kids and transition mmmmk?

We're in the States for the next six month doing that thing that used to be called furlough.  I really am not sure what we are suppose to be calling it now, but whatever.  I just know it means some upheaval in the family, learning and relearning how to live in a different culture and for us a very different climate!

The last time we were in the United States was 2 1/2 years ago.  We were here to finish support raising and to have our third little guy.  Our two big boys weren't in school yet and we had a lot of flexibility.

This time around we have two school aged kids and a 2 1/2 year old.  It's been different to watch the big two kids process being here.  Initially, they talked about Michigan as home, and when people would ask us where we live, they would be quick to say Michigan.  But just last week, that changed.  They started to tell people we are from Costa Rica.  There have been definite moments of sadness and tears over our dog not being with us, over the lack of sun here, of missing our church family and friends.

It's killed me as a mom to see my kids hurting, to watch their upheaval.  I say this so often, but if it was just me in pain, well, whatever.  But when it's your kids...

I don't know about you, but I have to be conscious not to rush my kids through the process.  It's easy to just say "oh honey, it'll be just fine.  We'll be back in just a few months." I want to make it better and see them smiling and enjoying life.  But I think what is the better approach is to come alongside them in the sadness, to hug them, to cry with them, and say "yeah, I miss our dog too." To let them know that it's ok to feel the sadness.  I don't want them to become hardened and calloused. 

In the hopes that this will help someone else, here are few things we've stumbled on that have helped in those hard moments.

• We made a photo book of our life in Costa Rica.  We included photos of our house, their rooms, our pets, yard and friends.

• Everyone in the family got a special t shirt from Costa Rica for Christmas this year.  Many days the boys will say they want to wear it.

• We found that talking about home, remembering the fun parts helps

• Speaking Spanish.  One of our boys declared one night at dinner that it was going to be an all Spanish dinner.  No English allowed!

• Listening to music that we sing at our church in Costa Rica

Now it's your turn!  What nuggets of wisdom do you have as you have walked your kids through transition?  What's been the hardest part of transition for your family?

Transitions

transition - movement, passage or change from one position, state,

stage, subject, concept, etc. 

My adult married life can be described in one word ... transition. We have moved so many times I have lost count and, to be honest, I don't really want to know. I know the lingo, the steps, how to pack like a pro and yet the thought of "another move" has me feeling that familiar feeling. dread. Not dreading the position, people or place ... dreading the work involved and the emotions attached with moving or transitioning. Whew ... we're not planning a move in the near future, but many are in the world of missionary families. 

I'm part of a large community missionaries here in Germany. You may be familiar with Black Forest Academy. Well, we are serving right in the same village and every June it's a mass exodus as families and students relocate back to North America or some other part of the globe. As families leave, new families arrive during the summer to replace those who have left. In many ways it's a revolving door and, as missionary community, we should be used to this by now, but tears still flow and emotions range from excitement to fear to incredible loss. Here's just the places where the 2014 BFA graduating class are going ... 

So while reading Facebook the other day I came across a post from a missionary friend that sounded all too familiar.

"How to deal with packing and transition stress when you get a little teary-eyed. Method 1: Kiss your 5 year old and ask him if he excited that he's going to get to see Brennan in a few days. Soak in the excitement he exudes. Method 2: Hold your 11 year old in your lap and let her cry out her tears of sadness, share in her grief and be distracted from yours. It's a bit of an emotional roller coaster over here lately." - M.L.

This same mom posted an incredible counseling tool for transitioning. I so wish I would have known this when my kids were little ... 

"Here's a glimpse into the life of transition for a kid. Elise had to make "worry cards" for her counselor this week. She wrote down things she worries about regarding the move back to the US and then put lengths of string on the cards corresponding to how much she worries about it. She can cut the string as the worries become less." M.L.

Through all the moves I've made there is one thing for sure. Well, maybe a couple of things ... 

God knows the end from the beginning. 

His ways are higher than mine. 

I am thankful that He has taken care of us in each move and 

He has walked with us through the grieving of transition and the joy of new adventures. 

What do you think about this? Have you used anything like this with your children? 

A Hint of the Bigger Picture

There are days when the thought of my kids being TCKs is hard.  There is a part of me that cries a little when my almost 5 year old asks me while watching The Snowman, "Mom, what are they doing with the snow?"  Being from The North, snow is in our DNA and here my kid doesn't understand the concept of making a snowball.  Sigh.

But then there are moments like this last weekend, when I realize they are getting such an amazing perspective on the world.  They will grow up knowing how to make a snowball, but also how to do things like speak Spanish, and Surf.  What?  Yeah, that ain't something you can do in the North.  Ok, well, technically, you can surf in Lake Michigan in November (No.Thank.You.) Anyway.


Surfing from nlkamper on Vimeo.


It was good for me to change my perspecitive a bit, again.  To see once more the gift that this life gives to my kids.  To see for a brief moment how God is placing my boys into a bigger world, preparing them for Something, for His plan, and it made me excited again to see what He is going to do with them.


What about you?  What moments have you been able to glimpses the bigger picture with your kids?  And what is your favorite opposite moments (you know, like the fact my boys can make snowballs and surf!)

Kids on the Field: Traditions with a Twist

This last weekend was Labor Day in the States (does the US have to do EVERYTHING different?  Why is our Labor Day in September and not in May like everyone else?)  Our oldest is attending a school that runs on the US schedule and so he got US Labor Day off.  Funny, I know.

So in an effort to teach our kids not only the Tico holidays (He had Costa Rican Mother's Day off two weeks ago and will have Costa Rican Independence Day off in two weeks) we thought we would try to do some traditional Labor Day things, you know with a Costa Rican Twist.

Now, Costa Rica doesn't have many lakes which figure heavily into Michigan Labor Day traditions (you are never more than 6 miles from a lake in The Mitten State).  But you still roast hot dogs over the fire and camp right?  Well...

We have had a fire in our driveway a couple of times and that was the plan...until we remembered it's rainy season and there was a impressive downpour late afternoon.  So we made pigs in a blanket (I used my pizza dough recipe and wrapped it around the hot dogs and baked them.) and had carrot sticks and chips...totally Labor Day food.

And then we went camping.  We have a great covered deck, so early that day we rigged up a tent of sorts with a tarp, a few sheets and some clothes pins.  The boys had a blast getting everything ready.  The plan was to sleep out there in our "awesome sleeping bags"!  Well...

As I was getting the boys ready for "bed" our middle guy said, "I can't wait to go in the tent!  I don't want to sleep in there. I like my bed!"  Yeah, I like how in the same breath he's excited and not excited. But we tried to talk him into it...and it worked for a whole half hour while they played. And then when it was really time to sleep, he gave up and came in.  Our oldest lasted another 5 minutes without his brother.  So much for camping!   Shhhh, don't tell them, but I was glad I didn't have to sleep out on the hard deck...just sayin.

Ok, so what Traditions do you give a Twist? 

Kids on the Field : Cloth Diapers

Ok.  So first off I need to say this.  I feel a little (ok ok, a LOT) under qualified to write about kids on the mission field.  For crying out loud, we only left the US two years ago and my kids are super little.  As in 6, 4, and 1!  Aren't they cute?

 

But, I got to thinking, since this is a hang out for Missionary Moms (duh, right?), what if we started a discussion about all things kid related?   So as we go along with this series, because I am so under qualified, I am begging you all to jump in and help in the comments!  Seriously, think of this more as a discussion starter and less of a "Liz knows so much about raising kids on the field".

Alright, now that we've gotten that out of the way...

Lets kick this series off with a conversation about something I am qualified to talk about.  Cloth Diapers.

Wait...What?!?  What does that have to do with Kids on the Field?

Ok, let me explain.

I am not going to pretend that we researched this all out and thought long and hard about the benefits of cloth diapering before we had Forrest.  Truth is, one day when Forrest was about 4 months old, my sister in law emailed me and said "hey, do you want our Fuzzi Bunz?"  And I said, sure, why not.

But the more we used them, the more we realized they fit very well into this missions in the Global South life.  And they really weren't that hard.  And if I am being honest here, washing diapers is one of my favorite chores.

So here you go, Everything I Know About Cloth Diapers. 
Let's start with what type.  We have used Fuzzi Bunz and Bum Genius.  Why?  Because that's what we were given and what we found used for a great price.  When it came time to enlarge of stash (yes, that is the technical cloth diapering terminology for your cloth diapers) we went with what we knew.  We had the old style Fuzzi Bunz, and they are mediums and larges.  If you are only going to buy one size, get the mediums.  My boys wear them from the time they were four months old through potty training.  The Bum Genius ones we have are a one size fits all.

 

Both of these brands are what's known as a pocket diaper, meaning you don't need rubber pants on top, it's sort of an all in one sorta deal.  We use terry cloth liners.  Really, this aren't your grandmother's cloth diapers.  During nap times, I sometimes double the liner up.  

Someone asked me if I thought about making diapers, which I am sure work great, but that was just further down the road than I was willing to go.   So sorry, not much help on that front. 

As far as night time use, well, we have never had good luck with that.  I wrote about that here once.

As for care...well, we just have a trash can with a lid.  We through the dirty ones in there (after dumping off whatever can be dumped) and wash ever couple of days.  In the states, I would rise in cold water, run a hot cycle with a bit of All free and clear and occasionally some oxiclean, and then another cold rinse cycle.  I have always hung then up to dry, either inside in the winter, or outside on the porch in the summer.  The sun does wonders for the stains.

Here, we don't have hot water attached to our washing machine, so we just do cold.  I am trying to run them through two full cycles now because of that.  And yes, they get hung up on the line.  During rainy season I have thrown them in the dryer (espeically the liners because stuff can take 4 days to dry here.)

As for other bits and pieces, we have two wet bags to contain dirty or wet diapers in the diaper bag.  We tried a diaper sprayer once and well, while it worked well for about three weeks, it then exploded all over the bathroom.  But I have hear bidets help very nicely in this department.

I can't imagine the amount of money we have saved over the years.  Since Elliot is only 19 months younger than Forrest, we have had kids in diapers for 4 years and counting, and for a good chunk of that we had two kids in diapers.  And now with Quinn and being here where disposables are even more expensive...well...it's just been a big help for us.

There is a  foreign missionary cloth diaper grant from  Cotton Babies.  I have a friends in Columbia, Costa Rica and Honduras who have all been recipients of the grant!So, if you fall into that category, check it out.  Also, they have ways for people to help make those grants a reality, so if you want to help, you can check it out over at Cotton Babies.

Ok, so how about you?  Do you use cloth diapers?  Got any tips for us on how to make it work for your family on the field?

Goodbyes

Yesterday we had to say goodbye.  Again.  This time, friends of ours are leaving the country for good.  Sigh.  It's hard.  And what makes it harder is my kids are taking it hard. This guy was one of our boys' first friends here.

 This part of the missionary life is just hard.  There is no other way to say it.  Someone told me once that we weren't made for goodbyes.  Yep, I would say that's true.

This goodbye has been especially difficult on our oldest.  He's been crying about it for a week now.

We've talked about how it's good to cry, to feel the pain, but also to celebrate the times that we've had with them.  A couple of weeks ago we had a Despidida (going away party) at our house for them.  It was such a fun day, but hard too.  Last night we drove the 45 minutes down the mountain to see them for the last time here in Costa Rica.  These things are important.  They give us time to say goodbye, to remember, to celebrate and to grieve.

And I pray that my boys will not become hardened with all of these goodbyes.  I want them to stay soft, to embrace people, not hold them at a distance because they are afraid they will leave.

How about you?  How do you help your kids through all of the goodbyes this life brings us?

School, One of the Great Mysteries of Life

Ok.  Let's talk school.

Sigh.  This is such a huge point of confusion in our house right now.  Let me give you a bit of background.

Ok.  We have a 6 year old, a 4 year old and a 10 month  old.  During language school our two oldest were in the preschool (in Spanish) on the same campus as us.  The 10 month old was in my belly, absorbing all the Spanish and sucking all the life force out of me that he could.

Now that we are working in our ministry, we face all sorts of issues with school.  We decided to home school this year because we didn't know what any of our options would be.  And, just to complicate things a bit more, we decided to do this homeschooling on the Costa Rican school calendar, from February to December.

Ok...so now, we are realizing that the big piece of this puzzle we are missing is the Spanish. Since we are a English speaking family, and since the boys and I are home most days, we just aren't getting the Spanish interaction we should.  So now comes the really confusing part, all the options.

Do we:
A) Continue homeschooling on the Tico schedule and look for other Spanish options?

B) Continue homeschooling on an American schedule and look for other Spanish options?

C) Send them to the local public school 300 meters from our house, that's all in Spanish and who knows what the quality of the education is?

D) Send them to a bilingual private school on a Tico schedule?

E) Send them to a bilingual private school on an American schedule?

F) Buy a second car to take them to the private school?

G) Buy a motor scooter for my husband to drive to work so I can have the car to take them to a private school?

H)  Figure out the private busing system here and put my sweet baby faced 6 year old on a bus with strangers?

I) Bury our heads in the sand and pretend they don't need to go to school at all?

I know we are blessed by having options, but honestly, right now, I sorta wish we didn't, so that the decision would just be made for us.  But as I have talked to other friends around the globe, I realize we're not the only ones struggling with this decision.

I am trying to remember that God has called the whole family here.  So, that means our boys need to be here for God to grow them into the men He wants them to be.  And, whatever choice we make doesn't have to be forever.   Every day I pray for wisdom from the One who promises that if we ask for it, He'll give it to us. But we still don't know what we are suppose to do.  So we keep waiting and praying.

Goodness, I feel like a I do a whole lot more asking questions here than being helpful.  But maybe in the process of me asking the question to all of you, you will be able to help not only me, but someone else.  At least that's what I am going to tell myself, hehehe.

So, what do you do for schooling?  What led you to make that choice?  And what in the world should we do?  Ha!   

Meet...Christie!

You gals really made me think!! Here's a go at what comes to mind for the questions you sent...

How do your girls feel about living in Paraguay? Was it challenging for them to move there? How old were they when you moved? Do you mind sharing how old your girls are? and what are they thinking about after high school? 

They are now 14 and 16, and were 9 and 11 when we moved here.  They’ve had tough spots at times from lack of friends, missing family, the macho culture here, and feeling a bit disconnected.  But since we’ve moved to a larger town last year, it’s been worlds better for them.  I actually blogged about that yesterday, about how they’re developing and adjusting over time.

Earlier this year (younger on left)

As far as what they’ll do after high school, well, that’s a big question right now.  The 16-yr-old is a planner and would like to have it all mapped out, but she’s undecided if she’d like to move to the US as soon as she “graduates” for college there (probably living with or near grandparents), or if she’d like to study here, or if she should take a gap year and explore what she feels like is her missions calling while learning a trade (cosmetology, cooking?—both of which are very accessible here).  She feels God is calling her to Europe but we don’t know anyone there yet. She'd like to “look around” there a bit before deciding what to study, because she feels more drawn to tent-making missions.  It’s a source of much stress for her that these questions are all in the air, and the truth is, I don’t know how to advise her.  Feel free to pray about this for us.  J  The other daughter lives one day at a time and hasn’t even begun to think past the current calendar year, nor does she want to.  That’s a whole ‘nother post….

What's your favorite thing about being a missionary mom? What is your least favorite one? 

Not long after we'd first moved to PY

I love watching my girls interact with people who don’t seem to have much in common with us, seeing them recognize that really we all have the most important things in common.  I think that all things considered, what they're learning and experiencing far outweighs the down side of this mission life, and I'm thrilled that God moved us here while the girls were still young enough to be part of it all.

Least favorite:  Well, in another life I was a full-time, stay-at-home mom (before coming on the field), and now that we’re here, I don’t feel the same liberty to focus 100% on my family like before.  I feel huge pressure to do MORE than that now that I’m called a “missionary.” Like my ministry to the family isn’t enough.  I naturally have more time for things outside of family now that my girls are older and more independent, but as y’all know, life here means more time homemaking (cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.)  I feel like I COULD spend all my time just helping my family function/survive, but there is this pressure (some of it real, some of it I put on myself) to be “productive” in the ministry by someone else’s standard.  The pull between those things is my least favorite part of being a missionary mom.  That, and worrying about whether my girls will marry Paraguayans or Americans or some other nationality, boiling down to how far apart we may live from them one day.  L 

Where do you find out more about free on line classes - and if they are free, do they count as continuing ed credits, etc.?

I google to find sites that are specific to the ministry I’m looking into, then look for training resources.  For example, on the site for Prison Fellowship Ministries, I found a series of videos and a quiz after each one.  In orality evangelism, I found this site and this one with similar training.  Also, lots of colleges are now offering free classes (google “free online college courses” and a trillion links appear), some with online textbooks, video lectures, a syllabus--the whole shabang, totally free.  A few have a printable certificate at the end, but most of these don’t offer anything “official.”  I don’t have any requirements for continuing education, though.  I just do this for my own benefit. 

Tea or coffee? And what is your favorite flavor or kind?  

Neither.  If pressed, I’ll take tea, either hot or good ole' South Carolina sweet iced tea.  But I prefer kool-aid (which kind folks mail to me here) or Paraguayan tereré.

What are some of the curriculums that you've used, since you say that you've experienced every type?

We started with Abeka and Bob Jones because I was nervous and wanted someone to walk me through each step. Then we did KONOS unit studies for a few years.  Since then, we’ve done Math-U-See, Saxon math, Apologia sciences, Latina Christiana, Shurley Grammar, Easy Grammar, Daily Grams, various public school texts, Classical Conversations, Mystery of History, Fallacy Detective Logic, Drive-Thru History, Christian Liberty Press history, Spelling Power, PACEs, Wordsmith, Writing Strands… I’m sure I’ve left a few out, but those come to mind right away.  Oh, yeah, we did Switched on Schoolhouse for a couple of years here in PY, with high hopes but low success.  We’re now using Tapestry of Grace (love it but it’s a lot of work), Apologia chemistry, Teaching Textbooks Algebra II, Jacob’s Geometry, Write Source, and some supplemental internet freebies.

What is your favorite thing about Paraguay and what is the food like there?  

We're horrible about forgetting to take family
photos.  This one's a few years
old, but don't you love how patriotic we
look under the flag?!  hee hee  ;)  Now, the
girls are as tall as I am! 

I don’t think I could narrow it down to one thing if I tried.  I adore living here.  There is such a feeling of community, of togetherness.  And I do love the strong cultural identity here.  PY is a small country that lost a lot of territory in wars with much larger countries over the years, wars that had the potential to totally annihilate them.  They’re pretty fresh out of dictatorship.  The people have a survivor’s spirit after so much hardship.  We have two official languages, Spanish and the native Guarani, which blend together into what’s called Jopara, unique to here.  So all around us they speak Spanish (and Portuguese) and little Paraguay has its own thing going.

Beef is big industry here, so it’s a carnivore’s world.  The fruits and veggies are great, too, from the tropical climate, but typical foods are fried (empanadas, a fried pancake thingy called a tortilla, country-fried steak or chicken that they call milanesa) or carb-heavy (rice-based guiso and noodle-based tallarines).  It’s VERY tough to eat healthy unless you can manage to always eat at home, which isn’t exactly culturally appropriate.

If you want more details about life in PY, I just read this great article in a NY Times post that sums it up well.

Why Paraguay? 

The super short version?  We felt the call to Latin America, thought we’d be going to Peru, ended up in Paraguay, found out the reason we’d come wasn’t going to work out, but felt this was where God wanted us all along and had used the other events to get us here.  It's turned out to be a great fit for our prior ministry and life experience and the personality of our family.  

Thanks for letting me share about my family and this country we have come to adore.  I’m looking forward to reading about all of you!

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

Next up, Danielle:

If we sat down to have a cup of coffee, I would want to hear your story, and share a little bit of mine.

First there was a time in my life where I vowed I would never move south of Texas because of a difficult short-term missions experience.  I also was all set to go to another continent before God turned things upside down and called our family to El Salvador!

Since moving here, language learning has been harder than I thought, but it hasn't been my biggest frustration...you would hear about that when the subject turned to our children and education.

I would also share how I now have a passion for a ministry that was never on my radar during our pre-move planning and preparation.  Of course, I would also share all the things that make El Salvador unique and special to our family.

If you have any questions about me or about El Salvador, post them in the comments and I will answer them soon!

Our Children's Ministry

I've just returned from a ladies conference... more specifically, a missionary ladies retreat, hosted by the gals of Titus Women.  For about 40 hours, they shared their hearts with us, encouraged us, spent time listening to us.  They came armed with goodie bags, books, and snacks to spoil us a bit, and were ready and waiting to to have those important chats we women crave--those that end in solid advice and a good prayer.  It was a time of refreshing that we all needed and enjoyed.

One of the things that touched me most was that a mom on the ministry team brought her sweet daughter along.  She was only 11 years old and many would have said she'd be in the way or it might not be the place for her, but that young girl ministered to us all through her servanthood. She was gofer for those of us with full hands.  She rocked sleepy babies and entertained bored toddlers so moms could hear the Word.  She stood right up there in the middle of the other 4 ladies on the team, singing her heart out in praise and worship.  She prayed for us and had mature, meaningful conversations over meals.  I don't know who was more proud of her--her mom or all of us ladies in the crowd, identifying with what it's like to involve our children in the work of the Lord.

I thought of all the times I've had the privilege to see my children involved in kingdom work.  Sometimes it's been the natural sort of ministry that comes from reaching out to a neighbor.  Sometimes it's that "shoved on them" kind like having to sing a solo as part of our missions presentation in churches.  And other times it's purposeful and planned, taking advantage of the gifts we see developing in them.  What a joy it is to watch them mature in the Lord and see Him use them in His service!

In what ways are your children involved in your family's ministry?  In what way are they involved in their own?

Turning over that TCK leaf

I know this will come as no surprise to you - because most of you interact with them all the time!

But TCKs... third culture kids... are nothing short of amazing. Don't you agree?

bi-, tri-, multilinguists

cultural chameleons

experienced world travelers

flexible, adaptable, go-with-the-flow -ers

(think "flow" with a long o sound!)

fascinating conversationalists

both sophisticated and naive all at once 

kids who still almost always somehow stand out in a crowd, 

even when they try their best not to

I don't think I can think about, talk about, write about or look at them in any way objectively. I don't think I can even try.

I know I'm far more than a bit partial. 

I'm a mom to 8 of these amazing kids and I also teach at an international school where most of the students come from expat families and are TCKs from all over the globe. I've usually have some collection of them hanging out at my house any given day of the week.

As we prepare to head back to the States, one key concern is helping my children prepare for this transition. So lately I've been doing a lot of reading about "re-entry" to the passport country and have been learning a lot about reverse culture shock and what it means to be a "hidden immigrant."

Reverse culture shock isn't a new idea. I've experienced myself. First stepping off the plane, of course I'm exhausted from the stress of packing up, saying goodbye and the marathon of travel, but I'm also excited to be home, delighted to see and visit with people I've missed, experiencing reunions long anticipated - whether it be a dear friend or a favorite restaurant. But then I have to drive on the freeway for the first time and each time an 18-wheeler flies by me at 70 mph (or more), literally just feet distant, my heart  in my throat and my hands gripping that steering wheel as tight as possible - holding my breath and waiting for the truck to make one of the predictably unpredictable maneuvers taxis in town make at least a dozen times every trip to the store. Running to the store to pick up a box of cereal, loaf of bread and some juice for breakfast overwhelms because there are too many choices. And then there's the awkwardness of recognizing that even the very best of the clothes that we brought home look faded, dingy and about 3 or 4 years out of style. No one of those things in and of itself is horribly huge or impossible to handle, but it does leave me daydreaming nostalgic about the comfortable cruise life in my country of service had become, especially as compared to the rushing tumult of what I know should feel normal but instead seems so strange and uncomfortable.

Thankfully, though, that season does eventually pass and I settle back into the rusty but eventually recalled, remembered  and once again mostly comfortable routine of life back in my passport country.

TCKs experience this same sort of reverse culture shock, but there is an additional complication. Whereas for me, adjusting is like getting re-used to a comfy but long unworn old pair of shoes that had been shoved to the back of the closet, the same is not true for my children. For my kids, it will be more like breaking in new pair of shoes. For this crew of mine who much prefers to run around barefoot, I'm foreseeing stubbed toes, blisters and sore feet - both metaphorically and literally.

That is because my kids will be "hidden immigrants." Once back in our home country, they look like they should fit in. They speak the language. But? They think differently about the culture, about many of the things that are normal, expected and assumed to be common and often have some different perspectives on life and the world in general. So they look like they belong. The people around them assume they feel like they belong. But they still feel more like an outsider or a person on the fringe. And it isn't just a matter of re-habituating; they actually must learn new habits and practices.

How do I help my children prepare for this transition? I'll be detailing that more specifically in a few weeks. 

One thing for sure? 

We talk - a lot. I have to be sure there is time for my kids to share what is on their heart.

And I try and listen even more, only rarely offering suggestions or giving advice unless pressed. 

I'm taking notes on those things that they want to talk about and what seems to be a priority to each one. For one, it may be the pets and what will happen. Another is already grieving those friends who aren't here and with whom, there won't be the opportunity for a face to face goodbye. A third has so many thoughts and questions about college and the next step, while our littlest one has no memory of ever having been in our passport country but asks lots of questions and wants to imagine.

How about you?

How do you help your children prepare for the transition to home assignment or a more permanent relocation back to their passport country?

What sorts of things do your children talk about when they contemplate leaving and returning to their passport country?

*********************************************

Other posts in this series of preparing to leave the field:

In which I'm charged by a hippo...
Jumping the Gun? Or Procrastination?

Special Considerations for MK Teens

Being a parent of third-culture kids—missionary kids in particular—is a challenge at any stage.  Being the mom of teen MK’s comes with its own special fun.

The changes that occur during adolescence can be quite unsettling.   You remember those days, right?  Insecurity, trying to fit in, wondering who you are, dealing with peer pressure.  Hours in front of the mirror, indecision about what you'll wear, drama in all your social circles.

These problems are exponentially increased living in a culture where your teen is obviously "not from around here," and where cultural differences can make even simple stuff seem complicated.

How can we make this time of transition a bit smoother for them?

Make home a safe haven.  Of course, this is our goal as moms, no matter the ages of our children.  But when your teen’s self-esteem is being assaulted outside the walls of your house, it’s crucial.  Although sarcasm and complaining may seem to be your child’s new love language, take the high road.  Jokes about frizzy hair and clumsiness and cracking voices are probably best left unsaid.  Don’t put up with bickering that often gets ugly between siblings.  Yeah, I know.  Easier said than done.  But kids of all ages need to be able to let their guard down around those who love them best.

Build self-esteem.  Where we live, folks have no problem pointing, staring, or calling names if someone is different.  Having two tall daughters with pale skin and blonde hair has led to more awkward public scenes than I care to remember.  So more than ever, it’s important that they feel safe talking to us about how that makes them feel, and that they feel secure in who they are.  Hopefully this is something that’s been a part of your relationship before now, but it’s time to step it up a notch.  How?

Point out how much you admire her fashion sense, or how you like the new way he’s styling his hair.  Accentuate the positive by focusing on your child’s God-given talents.  For us, that means blocking out a chunk in our home school schedule for one child to have time for drawing and painting, as well as investing in a few supplies she needs for that.  It means driving the other to music lessons each week and figuring out how to get our hands on an instrument for practicing. Those aren’t the most convenient changes to make, but the results in self-esteem and stress relief are notable.

Be a good friend.  Peer interaction usually blossoms at this stage of development, and parents find themselves less involved in everyday life.  But what if there aren’t many friends around, or safety is a factor?  Step up and take interest in their interests.  Download good music in her style, find a shared hobby, go on mini-dates for ice cream or a walk in the park.  Despite the eye-rolling you might see when first suggesting this, teens in any culture appreciate one-on-one time with Mom or Dad.  During this time, try to put yourself more on the level of a friend, rather than discuss the chore list or bringing grades up. 

And if your teen does find a good, solid friend, facilitate time together.  As a mom here, I’m much more comfortable knowing where my girls are, so we invite their friends over, making our home youth-friendly—snacks, music, movies, space to goof off.   

Keep God’s plan front and center.  We see pornography splashed across billboards and on magazine covers at every corner.  It’s the norm for public television, which is being broadcast in practically every store we enter.  The music being played at full blast in our neighborhood and around town is full of lewd lyrics.  And men of all ages are whistling, motioning, and calling out to my girls.  This isn’t the time to go silent about sticky topics.  

Find ways to converse naturally about whatever you’re facing in your particular corner of the world.  Provide examples of a life lived well—solid movies, good books, clean music, positive role models, whatever you can to combat the frequency of exposure to “the darker side”.  And remind them every chance you get that they are unique creations with a Father who designed them just right.

What challenges do your kids face?  How have you adapted your parenting methods to cope with this?