How to Handle Kids Who'd Rather Eat Cacık than Captain Crunch

Can I tell you a secret? My American kids hate Captain Crunch.  In fact they don’t want to eat any breakfast cereal. Period.  Not even Lucky Charms.  And they won't touch sandwiches with a ten foot pole. But they love stuffed grape leaves and eggplant, and they'll down a bowl of cacık any day. (Cacık is yogurt, raw garlic, cucumber and mint.)

For me the hardest part about living overseas is worrying about Andres and Camille. I wonder if we've messed up their childhoods by bringing them to Turkey. As my kids grow up, the challenges they face change from year to year. Here is more about our experience and approach to helping our kids adjust.

Our Experience:

After living in Turkey seven years, our family decided to go back “home” to America in 2009 for a whole year to get my husband’s US citizenship. I was shocked to realize that neither of our kids wanted to go.  Back in America my daughter cried every night the first month, but slowly the kids adjusted to a new life and made friends. Thanks to a supportive family and church, we had a positive experience.

About the time we got re-acclimated to life in America, it was time to turn around and come back to Turkey. Going through re-entry culture shock twice in two years was tough, but it drew our family closer together.

The last three years our kids have faced new challenges. My husband and I decided to leave our Turkish church of nine years to start a new fellowship, so for the kids that meant leaving their secure community of Turkish and international church friends. Their TCK youth group has dwindled because most families leave our city by the time their kids reach high school age due to the lack of educational opportunity here. Many friends went to Black Forest Academy in Germany or started college in America, so  Andres and Camille have said goodbye more times than I can count.

What We’ve Learned About Helping Our Kids Adapt:

1. Be proactive in communicating with your kids about their experience. 

Listen to them if they express sadness about leaving family and home behind. Validate their feelings.  Ask them what is difficult for them and what they like about living overseas.

2. Help them maintain relationships with family back home.

It takes effort, but out of sight doesn’t have to mean out of mind.  Our kids call my mother about once a week. E-mail and Facebook help them connect with other family members.

3. Nurture a solid family environment.

Family dinners and devotional times help us to reconnect nightly. Sometimes we do weekly games nights, anything to make spending time together a priority. Each month, my husband takes our son out for breakfast, and I take our daughter.

4. Preserve family traditions for a sense of continuity.

What are your traditions?  We celebrate Thanksgiving with the same international group of friends every year. We eat pancakes every Sunday.

5. Hang in there if your child is struggling.

I used to agonize if one of my kids had a problem or difficulty adjusting.  With time, I’ve learned to hang in there and keep praying.  Easier times are usually around the corner.

6. Avoid the expatriate bubble.

In our early days I made lots of effort to get together with local moms and their kids, and we sent our children to Turkish pre-school. Now my kids are in their eleventh year of home school, but my son has participated in sports and tutors two Turkish boys. He also helps with the sound system and plays bass for another local church. My daughter sticks closer to home, but she skated with a local team for two years and now does tutoring.

7. Promote appreciation for the national culture in your home.

When we find ourselves or our kids criticizing Turks, we try to stop and remind ourselves that different is not necessarily better. 

8. Emphasize the positive.
Don’t worry that you’re messing up your kids. (I'm talking to myself here.) Undoubtedly God will use their TCK experience to shape them into the unique individuals He created them to be. My kids face challenges, but they're learning resilience. They have an invaluable opportunity to rub shoulders with Turkish believers, real live people who face persecution for their faith. My 16 year old has three years of experience with sound equipment and leading worship, something he probably could have never done in America. 

I'm sure your kids have many unique opportunities as well.  Let's celebrate these opportunities God gives our kids as they grow up overseas!

Question: Do any of you out there have kids who are struggling? What works for your family in helping them adjust?

Hope When Your Faith is Faltering

I smile as I think of you, my sisters serving in different ministries on different parts of the globe.  You are caring for children, cooking, cleaning, teaching, discipling, leading Bible studies, and supporting your husbands. You are amazing. 

I know Paul was describing you when he said, “We always thank God for all of you…We remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith,  your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Thess. 1:3) Our service is motivated by faith, hope, and love, but I have to tell you sisters, my faith is flagging before the new challenge I’m facing. 

Three years ago my husband and I started the biggest faith adventure of our lives.  As if working 8 years in the Middle East wasn’t challenging enough, the Lord asked us to leave the comfortable fellowship we were a part of and start a new church with one other couple.

We had great faith expectations, but none of us had the slightest idea what we were getting ourselves into! 

The first year almost no locals came to our meetings. We spent most Sundays looking at that one couple sitting across from us in our living room.  By God’s grace, we kept going, and now three years later, we have a close knit team of 4 families, two local families, and a growing community of contacts that visit our fellowship. 

We are standing on the brink of another challenge. We need to rent a public meeting place for our church. The obstacles include fundraising and getting legal permission from the government. Although I’ve seen God do many great things in the past, once again I find my faith faltering.

Do you ever feel your faith crumbling when you face challenges like these?

• Cross-cultural adaptation

• Language learning

• People who are closed to the gospel

• Husbands on the verge of burn-out

• Struggling Children

• Financial issues

• Sickness

• Depression

Any time we face challenges, doubt comes creeping in.   “You won’t be able to raise the money.” “Your kids are not thriving here.” “That friend you’re praying for will never place her faith in Christ.” I need God to renew my faith each day, so I’m going to take two baby steps: 

1. Ask God to increase my faith. 

I love the prayer in Mark 9: “I believe! Help my unbelief!” I can so relate. Lately I’ve been asking God to increase my faith, and He’s answering me! It’s a no-brainer, but I don’t always think to pray for more faith.

2. Keep Reading God’s Word. 

Romans says that faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. Nothing renews my mind like God’s Word, so I’m sticking with it. I’m going to read it, memorize it, and proclaim it. I’m going to stand on it and pray it.

Whatever faith challenge you are facing, dear sister, will you joing me in continuing to walk forward? If you like, share your challenge in the comment box, so we can pray for each other.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

Can We Talk About Burnout?

Photo credit: Joan C. Webb

Am I the only one who ever feels like she’s about to lose her mind on this crazy rollercoaster life of being a cross-cultural servant mother? Sometimes if feels like I’m too wearing too many hats: wife, mother, cook, house cleaner, friend, church planter, discipler, seed sower, and team leader’s wife.

In the Middle East daily life and ministry stress can be compounded by discouragement over hard soil and slow fruit.  In our country over half of the foreign workers leave after only three years. I’m sure that you face different challenges, but being a missionary mom is demanding no matter where you are on the globe.  

After a few intense years working on a new church plant while home schooling, I think more than ever about how to avoid burnout. In fact, more than just avoiding burnout, I want grow in effectiveness and continue thriving.

Here is my brainstorm list for thriving long-term on the field:

(Please add your ideas in the comment box because I’d love to hear your thoughts.)

1.  Quiet Time.

Spending half an hour daily reading the Bible and listening for God’s voice gives me a fresh perspective on life every morning.

2.  Invest in your Spiritual Growth.

Read Christian books, listen to podcasts, seek out a mentor or attend conferences when possible. One of my favorite on-line resources is the daily devotional, Word for Today.

3.  Make sure your goals are realistic.

My husband and I struggled over the slow progress of our new outreach effort until we realized that part of our discouragement stemmed from unrealistic expectations.  We’ve also seen fellow workers with unrealistic goals for language learning: too much too fast.

4.  Invest in your marriage.

My husband and I have a weekly date time to counteract the stress of cross-cultural living. We started this after watching the Alpha MarriageCourse DVD’s six years ago.

5.  Make time for fun with your family.

We have movie nights and play games while listening to vintage rock.  (Only my family knows that I can belt out “Like a Rolling Stone” along with Bob Dylan!)

6.  Make sure your kids know the language and have local friends. 

We home school, but our kids participate in at least one community extra-curricular activity each year. Other friends put their kids in local schools for a year or two. Bottom line: Kids struggle more to be happy if they don’t know the language.

7.  Cultivate true friendships where you can be yourself and share your struggles, both with nationals and other foreigners.

8.  Continue learning new things.

In recent years I joined a Turkish folk dancing class for several months, learned some elementary Latin with my kids, and learned how to can tomatoes.  All fun! 

9.  Enjoy a hobby. 

A friend of mine takes time every Wednesday afternoon for scrapbooking.

10. Reach out to others when you are lonely.

11.  Keep in contact with family and friends back home.

12.  Read for pleasure. 

13.  Get involved in your community.

14.  Make time for regular exercise.

What about you? Do you ever feel burned out? Do you have any suggestions for staying spiritually fresh?

Wedding, Circumcision, or Baptism?

Ten minutes before my teenagers’ baptism was scheduled to begin, God drenched our entire city in a torrential downpour, the first rain in three months. Rain dripped and poured into the building through cracks in windows and doors.  Friends called, saying they were stranded. 

“Oh no,” I thought, “We’ve been waiting for this milestone celebration for such a long time. How can this be happening?”

A short half hour later, however, the floors were mopped, and the last wet friends straggled in. My husband and I had the privilege of baptizing our 16 year old son and 14 year old daughter along with another couple who baptized their daughter. We shared this beautiful family event with 50 friends.  Afterwards several Turks commented, “That was just like a wedding!”

When I heard that, I felt happy inside because it was exactly what I’d dreamed of.  Here in Turkey, people celebrate the circumcisions of their sons much like they do a wedding: with invitations, special clothes and a big party. In fact they use the same word, "wedding," for both events.

“Why not celebrate our baptisms the same way?” I thought. "This is a big deal. Let’s have a party!” So we printed invitations, and visited our closest friends, Christian and Muslim, to deliver them personally. This turned into a great opportunity to share good news.

“Why are they getting baptized now?” our Muslim friends asked.” We thought that was for babies.” We explained that putting your faith in Christ was a personal decision, not one that your parents made for you.

Thanks to many friends’ help, the event was memorable. We made programs, food for the party afterwards, and the two girls made favors to give to guests: candy wrapped in purple tulle tied with ribbon. Hearing my kids give their testimony in Turkish touched me most. After each baptism, the group sang the song that each young person chose. Later people stayed longer than I expected enjoying the food and conversation.

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said a Muslim friend. “I was amazed by that idea that each of your kids is God’s gift, uniquely and wonderfully created. How wonderful that you do not force your faith upon them. They are free to choose.”

I smiled for days after our celebration, giving thanks to God for:

My Kids:

They took a big step to express their faith publicly.  God encouraged them through the celebration held for them.  With fervor and excitement, our Turkish sister prayed for them.  Another Turkish friend brought them silver rings. (Why didn’t I, their mother, think of that?)

An Opportunity for Culturally Relevant Witness:

We had a unique opportunity to express our faith to some of our friends in a culturally relevant way. A few friends who have not been open to come to a church service enjoyed our family celebration and heard good news at the same time.

What about your special events? Have you adopted any local customs into your celebrations?

How to Keep on Going When the Road Seems Long

Do you ever feel like all your hard work is in vain?

You clean your house, but it’s dirty again the next day. 

You strive to teach your children something, but it seems like they never learn. 

You want to change a bad habit but fall back into the same trap. 

You resolve to be more patient, but once again you find your nerves on edge and your voice rising.

Here in the Mslm World we share our faith and sow seed in hard ground, but few respond. 

A few weeks ago I woke up on a Sunday exhausted and unready for the day. I stared at my bible, unable to understand the passage, even after reading it a few times.  Monday morning I felt the same: too tired to even pray. More than physical tiredness, I felt spiritually weary: tired of caring for my family’s needs, tired of praying and seeing slow results in our ministry.   

“God, I’m tired,” was all I could pray.

God answered me that same day:

We were reading scripture with our kids before bed, and Galatians 3:9 jumped off the page at me.   “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”  I felt God’s Spirit stirring my heart and whispering encouragement to me. Three days later at a prayer meeting, one of our co-workers shared the very same verse.  I was sure it was God speaking.

I heard two things:

• An encouraging command:  “Let us not become weary in doing good.”

• And a promise: “We will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

Do you ever feel discouraged and burdened by what seems like a lot of work for few results? Don’t forget the simple principle of sowing and harvesting: if you don’t give up, you’ll reap a reward. If you keep on going, sooner or later your kids will grow and respond to you. Your relationship with your spouse will change. If you keep on going, sooner or later you’ll achieve the goal that seems far off.

So how do you keep on going when the road seems long?

Keep your eyes on the Lord. “Moses persevered because he saw the one who is invisible.”

Resist the urge to carry the burden yourself. His burden is easy and His load is light.

Give thanks in all things.  It’s the truest path to joy.

Return to the simple truths: You are God’s beloved child. You are forgiven.

Remain in the vine and trust Him for fruit.

Put first things first and don’t sweat the small stuff.

Don’t take yourself too seriously.

Smile and laugh more.

Have some fun.

If you’re tired, cancel your activities for a week and hide out.

Get enough sleep.  (It’s amazing how sleep can change your perspective!)

Don’t lose hope.

If you are feeling discouraged and weary, may God give you grace to keep on going one day at a time! 

Comments? How do you keep on going?

Called Overseas to Cook and Clean?

When God called me overseas, I had no idea how much time I’d spend cooking, cleaning, home schooling, playing games, and driving kids to sports practice. Just as if I were still back home in America. I even asked myself, “Why am I here, anyway? I can mop floors and teach reading back home.”

I had no idea that when I led a women’s study group, I’d feel bad about leaving my kids home with my husband, and when I spent days on end caring for a sick child without leaving the house, I’d feel vaguely guilty for neglecting my “ministry” responsibilities.

Years ago I asked a more experienced woman, “How do you manage to have a ministry outside of your home?”

Her answer flabbergasted me.

She said simply, “I tried that once, and it didn’t work for me.”

I’ve been chuckling about it ever since. Her open, honest attitude somehow freed me to be myself and find my own way.

Mothers Serving Overseas Come in all Shapes:

Women cross-cultural servants come in all different colors of the rainbow. Some are basically “working” mothers, hiring childcare or sending kids to local daycare or school while they serve or study the language. Others choose to center their lives more closely around their homes and children.

Find the Balance that Feels Right for You:

I’m probably somewhere in the middle, which means I burn the candle at both ends! I enjoy homeschooling and caring for my family, but my heart yearns for more than just “staying at home.” So making my home a center of hospitality has worked for me. I also visit women friends when I can.

Let Go of Guilt

I tend to compare myself with other women who seem to have a higher level of involvement outside their homes. This is dangerous because inevitably I then feel guilty. But I’m learning to relax in who God is calling me to be and also to give this freedom to others, who may not share my views.

Comments From Other Women Servants:

When I asked other women serving in Turkey for their views on ministry inside and outside of their homes, here is what they said:

• “Part of loving my family...is teaching them…how to love others outside of our circle.”
• “My family is my first ‘ministry.’ Any ‘ministry’ work that happens outside the home is just icing on the cake.”
• “Since the kids were 6 mo. old, we've had roughly 15-25 hrs/week of childcare for them.”
• “Considering the difficulties our kids go through to adjust to the new cultures, we need to give them the appropriate mother time. Actually, I find Turks very family oriented…As much as possible, I liked to do ministry that included my children. So often the children when they were young were the catalyst to relationships with other Turkish mothers.”
• “Knowing myself, I will always work more than I should…The Lord has given me kids to slow me down, to disciple me, and to teach me that my value doesn't come from my productivity..."
• “Balancing family vs. ministry isn't possible. Once things are "balanced," someone inevitably gets sick, a situation or crisis arises in the work, or some other thing comes up. When you view family as ministry, you can move your fulcrum to one end or the other as needs arise..." 
• “Perhaps our most lasting and important gift that we give to our local friends is the model of a family that is submitted to Christ and trying to make him central.”

• “While I had children at home, my strategy was to make home my primary place for outreach, discipleship and showing hospitality. Serving my husband and kids was my primary ministry, and they supported and helped me in reaching out and serving others too.”

I was encouraged by their wisdom. What are your views?

updated from my archives

Pressed for Time

Okay, I have a confession to make that’s going to sound obsessive compulsive: I use a kitchen timer to help me with time management. This might sound like something you’d expect a from a software engineer in Silicon Valley, but not from a cross-cultural servant/housewife who lives in the Middle East, where time management is NOT a high priority.

I started using a timer for home school to keep my kids and me on task. We work for 25 minutes, take a 3 minute break, work for 25 minutes, and then break for ten.  Twenty five minute work sessions are supposed to help you to focus on your work and avoid interruptions. (This is the Pommodoro technique, named after the red tomato kitchen timer.)

While I certainly don’t want to live my life to the dictates of a timer, I use it occasionally after school as well. With so many demands, both at home and in ministry, it’s hard for me to stay focused on what I must do and to find time for what I want to do.

Using a timer to work for twenty-five minute Pommodoro’s helps me to:

Get started on large tasks, a little at a time.

Some tasks, like cleaning out my home school closet or writing a prayer letter, seem so overwhelming that I never get around to them. Breaking them down into shorter work sessions helps me to get started. Sometimes I make progress in small chunks by working for one or two 25 minute sessions over several days.

Avoid procrastinating

Honestly, I just don’t enjoy housework, so it’s easy to put it off!  Some days I tell myself, “You can do anything for 25 minutes,” and I set the timer and work like crazy on whatever seems most urgent at home. It’s amazing the difference just 25 minutes can make.

Avoid doing more work than a task merits

I’m a perfectionist, so I tend to spend too much time trying to get things perfect even when the task isn’t that important. For example, I send an e-mail ministry update every 3 weeks, and I could spend hours laboring to write a creative, brilliant letter, when in reality, all I need is a quick e-mail to let people know how we’re doing. It helps me to decide in advance how many Pommodoro’s I’ll need for a task and to try finishing in that amount of time.

Find time for hobbies and special projects

A reality for cross-cultural workers is that it is so hard to find time for ourselves. Writing is an outlet for me, but the only way I’m able to do it is in 25 minute time segments. Another personal project is to organize our last two years of digital photos, choose which ones to print, and frame some for our home.  It’s going to take forever, but I’m working on it, even if it’s just 25 minutes a week.  Making time to do the things I really want to helps me to be a happier wife and mother.

So do I sound totally obsessive-compulsive to you? What is your favorite time management trick?